Why I Should Not Use Social Media at Work

I’ve always had a knack for putting my foot in my mouth.

Like the time I told the sorority girl whose house I wanted to pledge that their decorations resembled “shit.”

Or the time I pointed to my co-worker’s stomach and said, “Oh, I thought you already had the baby.” And she had.

Or the time I tweeted that my date was a big geek and he read it. On my own freaking phone.

But today, instead of mere social humiliation and a lost sorority bid, this acute case of foot-in-mouth disease could potentially cost me my job.

I manage the Twitter account at my company — a very conservative business where psalms are regularly posted on bulletin boards and folks use the phrase “rear end” in place of “butt,” or heaven forbid, “ass.”

I typically tweet about boring business stuff like the stock market and small business loans – crap that makes my right brain want to eat my left brain then vomit it into the toilet and flush.

I realize the job is probably not a good fit for me, a godless miscreant who blogs about sex and uses the word “cocksucker” several times a day. Nevertheless, it pays the bills and offers pretty good bennies, so getting fired was not part of my game plan.

Back to story. I also tweet throughout the day on my @singlegirlie account, which, like my blog, is totally uncensored and replete with TMI. I use different apps for each Twitter account so as not to mix them up.

Today, I mixed them up.

I tweeted something entirely inappropriate to the business account.

Minutes passed without me realizing what I’d done. Then I noticed three new messages in my work e-mail, telling me three people replied to my company’s tweet. I opened one of them.

“Oooops!” it said simply, from @someguy. That’s weird.

I opened the next, from @somegirl: “I hadn’t realized that was a serious issue for [company name].” Hmm, is she responding to my last management tip?

And the next, from @oneofyourclientsidiot: “Think this may be the wrong account.” Wait a second…

I then saw the tweet being replied to:

I shit a submarine.

I mean, it was true. I’d noticed earlier in the bathroom that my nipple erections were glaring brighter than the neon-lit boobies at the Las Vegas Hooters. But my company’s clients probably didn’t need to know that.

I deleted the post immediately, but clearly a few individuals saw it. And it wouldn’t disappear from my HootSuite stream. It just sat there, staring at me like my headlights were staring at my office mates today.

Cocksucker, cocksucker, cocksucker!

One of the VPs at my company tweets. What if he saw it? And that other dude on the sales team — he tweets, too. What if he saw it? And my arch nemesis, who constantly competes with me on who’s more social media savvy — he tweets, too! Holy mother of fuck.

Please, please say these people are not online.  I wanted to ram my head through my double monitor.

What if my boss finds out? Especially after she just granted me the promotion that I spent months begging for, reasoning that I deserve it in part because of my stellar work ethic.

I immediately began concocting excuses. Among them:

  1. The account was hacked. Fortunately, due to my quick thinking and response mechanism, I swiftly changed the password and the account is now safe and 100% hack-proof. So in actuality, I saved the day!
  2. It wasn’t me. I was wearing a bra that day — my new pink Victoria’s Secret racerback with extra padding and front closure. (This one could have holes in it as many co-workers surely could testify to the contrary.)
  3. It was Arch Nemesis. He has the username and password. I noticed he wasn’t wearing a bra today and he totally has man-boobs. So you do the math.

I sought advice from my @singlegirlie Twitter followers and they were extremely helpful. The ever-so-clever @berzerkeley advised me to acknowledge the situation and deflect it with humor, as the Red Cross did recently.

I did just that, saying the tweet was removed and not to worry, we were in fact “very well-supported” (bra pun FTW!).

However, I did not admit to mixing up the accounts, because if called on it I might have to resort to one of the excuses above. I don’t work at a cool, laid back organization like Google, Southwest Airlines or Hustler.

I know the execs at my work, and they would not just laugh it off. Meetings would be called. Special task forces would be assigned. New social media policies would be drafted, then re-drafted, then re-drafted, then re-drafted. My promotion would be rescinded. I’d be burned at the stake.

It has been 39 hours now, and no one at work has mentioned it. But my boss is on vacation. What if there is a message waiting in her inbox? Perhaps this is an opportune time to find God and pray like fuck.

In hindsight, I suppose it could have been worse. I could’ve tweeted a link to my blog, where I post anonymously for good reason. Or I could’ve tweeted my original thought, which was:

There’s always a bright side.

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39 replies

  1. A little bit of me almost died cringing on your behalf. I could just imagine myself in that situation. I guess now you can look back at it and laugh. Mental note to thyself: stay clear from handling the company’s twitter account!

  2. After accidentally farting in front of the dude I’ve been sleeping with this morning I stumbled across your blog (I googled consequences of farting in front of a guy). After a very drunk Thursday and Friday night I decided to stay inside and reevaluate my professional life. So I sat down with a bottle of wine and lifetime movies to replace my dignity. On the second bottle of wine and have yet to pay attention to a lifetime movie I’ve had a great Saturday night laughing at your blogs. Kudos to you!

  3. Reading this post I had anxiety on your behalf! I hope you get through this unscathed. You’re a good person who just made an honest mistake.

    If this happened to me, I would plead the Shaggy defense (it wasn’t me).

  4. This gave me such anxiety! Glad it all worked out. I went from traveling and doing my own thing to suddenly being Watched. I have to be so careful and still get in trouble from time to time. But I think it’s ridiculous.

  5. Bah ha ha ha ha! Nice one!

    I’m always mixing up my burlesque FB with my normal FB. Which usually means I post things like “happy birthday!” and “Isn’t your baby cute!” as my naughty burlesque name. Which just looks weird. And then the one time I posted a link to an upcoming performance on my normal FB account… where my colleagues (etc) could see it.

    AKA people I don’t want to see me in tassels. Or know I even own tassels. Or know what they even are.

    So that was fun. Also. I shower very often in my building. Once, my boss came by to have a chat in my cubicle. It wasn’t until he left that I realize my black bra (with pink-polka-dot interior!) was laying out for all to see.

    Foot in mouth? Yesh. I knows it.

  6. Hahahaa… I saw this taking place over Twitter but this story is just absolutely priceless! That’s the kind of shit that I get myself into!

  7. hahaha this is just way too hilarious!! hahaha.. I remembered my experience in the office, I was also thinking out loud about my boobies being so tight since it was my PMS and wrote it in an email that I was drafting for my boss, thank goodness I always re-read my drafted emails before I send it out many times, hahaha… Also one time, I wanted to stalk the new girlfriend that my ex was dating and instead type it in the search box in FB, I typed it in my status updates and realized it couple of hours after, hahaha… I guess no multi-tasking in your brain when typing 😛

    • Ha! So your status update just said “Jane McDonald”? Amazing. And I’m sure you were still FB friends with your ex, of course. I’ve stalked those girls before.

      I agree, it’s multi-tasking that’s the culprit. It’s not me, it’s our stupid, crazy, too-fast-paced culture. Really, I’m the victim, here 😉

  8. What you wrote could have been a lot worse (I’ve read your blogs lol)
    That reminds me of the time when I connected my FB account to my “business woman-Twitter account” and somehow it connected my ANONYMOUS blog’s account to.
    I had just wrote a blog about my ex who returned to my life full of neediness and acting like we were BFFs, plus flirting and “remembering some moments together”, I wasn’t very nice to him on my blog…and the link got posted on my FB, he was one of the two people who saw it (stalking much?) and after much apologizing, I guess we are OK, not that I want to talk to him….

    • Ooooh, that would suck. I bet he wasn’t too happy about that. Glad you are OK now.

      And you are right, it could have been a LOT worse – I post a lot of crazy shit. But it could’ve been better. Earlier that day I tweeted about the pho I had for lunch. Why couldn’t THAT tweet have gotten mixed up?

  9. WOW! I manage two twitter accounts at my job and it would be VERY clear that it was me doing it if there was a rouge tweet. To avoid it, I use CoTweet for work tweets and Tweetdeck for my two Twitter accounts (work and person) so there is NO way I could ever do that. Maybe worth checking into?? I am SO glad nothing has happened yet and think you are probably in the clear. Whew!

    • You know, I use Seesmic for personal and Hootsuite for work — purposely so I WOULDN”T do something like this. But I still did. Insane.

      Thanks for the well wishes! 🙂

  10. I have two twitter accounts; one personal and one anonymous. I *might* follow some of the same people on both accounts and when someone retweets something I’ve said from my personal account and it shows up in my anonymous feed, I almost shit a submarine, too. Which, by the way, is the best visual I’ve had all week.

  11. I once was on a course and texted to my boyfriend how boring it was, and incompetant the guy who was running it was………….. oops……….. I texted it to the course leader. It was a walk of shame coming back in after lunch and some serious arse licking!

  12. And this is why every time I post to Twitter, I experience a split second panic as I see which feed updates. What happened to you awaits us all. True story.

    • Oh, I hear you on the split second panic thing. Happens all the time – except this time. This time the snafu actually happened, and I wished I’d had the panic right after I posted. Be careful, girl. Learn from my idiocy.

  13. Oh my gawd. My fingers are crossed for you. I think we’ve all made a flubber like this a time or two. I hope it doesn’t cost you your job, but if it does, there’s no shame in an innocent mistake.

    P.S. I stopped blogging or accessing blogs from work when I realised our internet usage was being monitored.

  14. I mixed up Twitter accounts once. It was a hell for about 48 hours. But then no one mentioned it, and I kind of forgot and all was well.

    Then there was another time when I wanted to watch a red band movie trailer at work and it started with a woman moaning and my volume was up on HIGH.

    The point is, if I’m not fired yet, you’re probably a-okay.

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