This post was inspired by a series at The Impersonals, taking aim at those annoying holiday “round up” letters we all get from friends and family this time of year. I originally wrote this for them but my ass was too late to make the deadline so it gets dumped here for you all to enjoy. That’s right, you guys were my Plan B. Merry happy!
Hello merry asswipes,
I wanted to let you know that I have received your “holiday round-up” letters accompanied by the always-nauseating snapshots of your demon spawn grinning in Santa Claus hats. And out of respect for our friendship, I shall keep these photos amid my ever-growing pile of coupons and unpaid bills until December 26 before throwing them in the alley dumpster for a homeless pedophile to discover and jack off to.
I also want to thank you for your thoughtfulness – you intuitively knew I couldn’t get enough of seeing your kids’ ugly mugs all over Facebook throughout this year and just had to have a hard copy in the event of a power outage. Now I have something to burn when the heat goes out! I love you.
However, I must confess – I didn’t actually read your letter. The first two sentences sent me into a slumber so deep I drooled all over your monogrammed stationary, rendering your novella illegible. But I’ll betcha I can guess the plot: You and the hubby have been working hard all year but still found time to take the entire clan to Hawaii, where you all got a well-deserved lei (lol!). Ashton’s joined little league, tae kwon do, pole vaulting and a myriad of other sports Hal forced him into so he won’t turn gay. And sweet, little Sophia received a gold medal for being positively average. Goooooo Mendelbaums!
As for me? Yes, I am still single. No, I do not know why. And if you offer one more time to set me up with that slightly portly but “really great guy” friend of yours in Oregon, I will tag an assortment of unflattering photos of you on Facebook AND tell everyone you got Botox.
But don’t feel sorry for me. Although I may spend Christmas day crying alone in a can of lentil soup, on New Year’s Eve my still-slender single ass will be bouncing atop a smokin’ hot, gender-bending Latino go-go dancer with rock-hard abs at Miss Kitty’s Fantasy Fetish Ball. But you and the kids enjoy First Night in the ‘burbs.
Since you were so kind as to include a photograph of your loved ones, I’ve done the same. So to you and yours from me, my 10-speed vibrator and my bong:
HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS!!!
Love & Xanax,
Categories: Totally Random