My Brain, My Gut, My Heart and My Vag

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, there has been some turbulence in my relationship with Tom. We had an awful fight, broke up, then missed each other and got back together.

Right after we split, I really didn’t think I’d want to see him again. But then I did. I was confused and didn’t know what to do.

There was a little voice inside of me. And then another. And another. And another. The only one that made sense was the one insisting that I eat more French fries.

These voices came from four highly opinionated body parts: my brain, my gut, my heart and my vag.

These crazy bitches bark orders and advice at me incessantly, often at the same time. They are all saying something different, and sometimes I’m not sure who’s saying what. It can be quite maddening.

“Go out with Fred again, he’s hot and funny!” Wait… is that my brain talking… or my vag? I really want to go out with him again, so maybe it’s my gut. My heart jumps whenever he calls… so maybe it’s my heart talking. Shit, I don’t know.

Let me introduce you to the players:

My Brain

In a nutshell, my brain is a workaholic. She overthinks, overanalyzes, and considers then reconsiders every possible angle of every situation.

I’m a cerebral chick, I know that. I always want to make the right decision but never know what it is, so I think and think and think until my eyeballs bleed. And then if I ever do make a decision, I’m never sure if it’s the best one, so I think and rethink some more.

I implore you, lobotomize her immediately and put her out of her misery.

My Heart

Ah, my heart. She is… damaged. The wear and tear on this item should qualify me for a newer model, but sadly, we’re only allotted one per lifetime.

Sometimes she’s afraid to speak up, largely because my brain often tells her what an idiot she’s been in the past. Nevertheless, when she does speak, she speaks volumes.

Folks often say, “Follow your heart.” And despite all the risks this might involve, somehow, I still want to believe it. And it’s why I gave Tom a second chance.

My Vag

This little bitch always gets me into trouble. When she gets lonely, there’s no telling what she’ll do. I think it’s fairly common knowledge that the best decisions are not made by your hoo-ha — but she’s crafty.

She talks to the other organs while I’m not looking to try and sway them over to her side. She’s very charismatic and persuasive — much like Jim Jones, or Dakota Fanning.

She’s also a master ventriloquist. She’ll say something and I’ll swear it’s my brain talking. Gotta keep an eye on this one. When she doesn’t behave I’ll sometimes threaten another Brazilian wax, but she remains undeterred.

My Gut

When people tell me, “Trust your gut, it’s never wrong,” I want to kick them in the nards. It sounds like sound advice on the surface, but not when your gut has multiple personality disorder.

One day, my gut says, “Leave Tom! You don’t have anything in common and it’s just wrong!” The next day, she says, “Don’t dismiss it so fast! You have a great connection and he’s an amazing guy!”

Very rarely do I experience an overwhelming “gut instinct.” Sometimes I think I do — but it changes by the hour. How can I trust my gut when she’s so damn wishy washy?


I have always envied people who can make a decision on the spot and never look back. Perhaps their brain, heart, gut and vag all get along and make a team decision. Or maybe one of them is the captain and always calls the shots.

But mine just can’t seem to get their shit together. I’ve got the Bad News Bears playing inside of me and we lose every time.

The Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and Dorothy searched all of Oz for these four items. (In the original version, Dorothy asked the Wizard for a vag. That’s why she’s so popular with the gays.)

I want to tell them that these organs really aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. In fact, they can have mine — I’ve had enough.

From now on, I’m leaving all my decisions up to my buttocks.


What do you listen to most when making relationship decisions? How is that working out for you?

49 replies

  1. I don’t think I’ve every recognized myself so much in something written by someone else. This is COMPLETELY the way things are with me. A total disarray of wishes and desires among the terrible four – brain , heart, vag, gut. And not knowing when which one is speaking…! that is so true.. and so confusing. My brain also overanalyzes everything and in the end it still lets itself be persuaded by some other body part… I think I should try to focus on my gut a bit more, if I could just learn to read it maybe life would be easier. As you might have guessed I am right now in the middle of making a big decision whether or not to continue a relationship..googled “follow gut or brain” and came here! thank you for a great post, am totally saving this for future reference…and overanalysiss.. 😉

  2. oh lord my heart is led into strange and unsafe places by Mr Happy – Heart always believes in love and doesn’t know when to run away screaming. This requires rescuing by guts and brains who are in a permanent argument as to what’s best. After driving around aimlessly for weeks at a time while this argument is going on, poor old heart finds himself alone on account of Mr Happy having delivered him up to the Sirens. Heart has floundered on the rocks at low tide , skuttled by his own desire to do the right thing upon being rejected by Vag or Vag’s rational mind. Heart may or may not recover and oh my God what a mess we’re in………

  3. Well I’m pretty much hopeless when it comes to making massive decisions. Good news is that now that I’ve read this post, I can identify my problem ‘areas’.
    Your line about Dorothy cracked me up.

  4. Intuition is God’s gift to women. I think I can relate. I felt frightened almost everyday. I think you should think carefully. Assess what you really want and implement it.
    One more thing, you deserve to be happy rather than to worry. Someone out their will make you feel special and love. Seize the day!

    • Oh, if my intuition would just make up its mind!

      I agree, I deserve to be happy rather than worry. We all do. But, I really do believe that lies inside of us, and not with other people. Working on it! Thank you, my dear!

  5. “I’ve got the Bad News Bears playing inside of me and we lose every time”

    THAT is one of my favorite lines I’ve read all week.

    All I can say is…me too girl, me too…

  6. i think this has to be one of your top blog posts to date since ive been reading you..haha

    i wont offer any advice too many bitches seem to be talking to you already..hehe and im another single girlie now too… so its not like my advice would work for you if it doesnt work for me.
    we shoujld start a club!!!

  7. Great stuff! I wish I could give you some awesome professor-ish advice, but nay. My decisions too are a clusterfuck of brain, gut, heart, and dick. But, I can aim you to the book “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell – maybe that could help?

  8. ‘My Brain, My Gut, My Heart and My Vag’ should be the title for a book. Get an agent NOW, lady 🙂

    My brain is a cocky sonofabitch. My gut is preoccupied with being hungry all the time. My heart is in physical therapy. And my vag is in a storage locker somewhere in Guam, I think.

    In this scenario, my brain is working overtime, and the quality of its work is seriously flagging. Any advice?

    • Honey, me too. My brain has worked so much overtime she should retire. I’ll leave everything to the other three – I doubt I’ll be any better or worse off than I am now. Let’s ship our brains off to Florida.

      But first things first, we must send a search and rescue team to Guam for your vag. Poor girl needs some resuscitation!

  9. What a brilliant blog! I usually listen to PMS. And break up. And then when it passes, I think “Oh, shit!”. Seriously though, I think no break-up is uncalled for. Heck, I think no relationship decision is uncalled for. Except staying with an abusive guy. Every other decision is good. They are all good for something.

    • Wow, Lena, that is a great perspective. And I think you’re right – they are all good for something. If we decide A it will be good for something and if we decide B it will be good for something. And we’ll never know which decision was “better,” because we didn’t make the other decision. (Still with me?) So we just have to trust the decision we make, always.

      And yeah, PMS speaks pretty loudly. And you don’t even realize it was her speaking until a week later, when, as you say, you get the “Oh, shit!” feeling. Has happened to me many a time.

  10. My girlfriends and I always said we have three brains: Girl Brain, Rational Brain, and Vagina Brain.

    Girl Brain is the annoying (in my opinion) 13-year-old (maybe 16 sometimes) who falls head over heals in the drop of a hat, and thinks Hollywood knows everything about everything (as in, he’ll be back with flowers! After running after me in the rain! With some explanation for why he was such a douche! I just know it!”). Basically, GB swears our lives will resemble a chick flick at… any… moment…

    Vagina Brain… well. You covered that one.

    Now. In my opinion? We do have a Rational Brain. She knows what’s going on – really she does. Unfortunately, she’s often tied up and gagged in the corner – well, only in those instances when GB and VB want something/someone who isn’t good for us.

    Your gut? Gotta be influenced by all three, depending. That’s why it feels so wishy-washy. Your heart? I’d say GB rules that one, but enough damage could make her just not listen to anyone any more.

    Here’s the thing, though. I think we all know, in the end (the real end), of things… how they were going to go. We’re rarely really really surprised. At least, in my world. That’s RB trying to speak up while VB sits on her face (hey… it’s VB we’re talking about…)

    If you’re not sure? Ask someone who loves you and you know to be rational. They usually have a pretty good idea what’s up. And if you don’t have a friend who will tell you that? Well. Not sure then, buddy.

    • I get what you’re saying. And sometimes emotions cloud our ability to think rationally. A lot of people make very, very bad decisions based on the other brains of which you speak. I love the reference of RB being gagged and tied up in a corner!

      But then, I also think when it comes to love, well, you don’t solely want to depend on rational brain. It would take away the magic.

      I love this quote: “Love isn’t a decision. It’s a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.”

      Okay, it was said by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. But I still agree! And maybe that’s girl brain talking. But I STILL agree! 🙂

      • Spot. on. That quote couldn’t be more true f we could decide who to love, this shit would be a whole lot simpler. You are absolutely correct and I’d amend by saying that… yes, we feel love, we don’t dictate it. However, there seems to be this universal experience of feeling deeply and being unable to walk away from someone we know isn’t all that great for us. Why? Because RB is locked in the closet.

        I think, when things are good, RB doesn’t try to contradict GB and VB so much. The problem then, of course, is that RB can be a jaded, pessimistic little bitch (often for good reason). Then, of course, we’re stuck with her being all “oh, when’s the other shoe gonna drop?” Chill the fuck out, RB.

        Ah. Life. That’s when I gotta say – we all need a friend who will be 100% straight up with us, no matter what.

  11. Well being a man….Hey down in the back rows, I can see that box of tomatoes.

    Well as I was saying. We don’t tend to over-analyze much, if we can’t eat it, or screw it we quickly lose interest and wander away. Maybe thats a bit of overly simplistic talk but unless we are head over heals in love, yes men do love. Then we don’t really overly think ourselves to death.

    Of course our lower halves get us into all sorts of trouble, as does your vag. But it’s sexy trouble so nothing ventured nothing gained.

    Where was I going with all of this, oh yea…is that a steak I smell…

  12. Now that you mention it, I have no effin’ clue who wears the pants in my internal relationship! I would love to think it’s my gut, but sadly I think my players are not all on the same team either. Boo!

  13. awesome breakdown of ‘the thinkers’ by the way!

    well, i don’t have a vag, but i do have it’s counterpart and it has gotten me into a world of trouble when i listen to it. therefore i now listen to my heart, then have my brain give my heart a second opinion.

  14. Well, the brain can often get confused by getting mixed messages from the heart, vag and gut. However, my (our) gut instinct is usually right. More times than not, sadly. Sometimes I will turn my head the other way, but in the end, my gut usually wins and then I ask myself why I waited so long. Hope! That’s it, hope!! Intuition is a gift and not to be ignored. It ties in with the gut. When you start feeling those uncomfortable butterflies (not the good ones), then you must pay close attention. Even if we are not sure what our gut is trying to tell us, we can ask our brain, but the heart is never sure and we don’t want to break it or anyone else’s. We often do not want to take action if we are not completely sure if we might be making the wrong decision. As we all know, relationships take work, but we shouldn’t have to work so hard, especially in the beginning and when confronted with uncertainty. Also, we should never settle for less than what we feel we deserve and happiness and peace/contentment should be at the top of the list. (c) 2009 cbt 🙂

  15. Do what I do. I leave all my decision making to the good ol’ quarter. Naturally, I second guess the first toss but that’s what best 2 out of 3 is for. You can’t go wrong when flipping off Washington.

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