Anyone who has ever participated in online dating can attest that it is a spectacular way to meet weirdos. In fact, it can at times make one wonder if a good portion of the male population has been taking etiquette lessons from Andy Dick.
My friend Gabby recently met someone through an online dating site. They had been talking and texting for about a week before they arranged a time to meet. He seemed like a decent enough guy and she told him she was looking forward to their date.
She was not prepared for the next text this man sent:
“By the way, I really like butts. Some guys are breast men or leg men, but I’m really into butts.”
Gabby took a moment then reacted the only plausible way one could to such a statement:
Why…WHY would he text me this out of the clear blue sky? thought Gabby. And he didn’t even say what kind of butts. Does he prefer a king-sized Kardashian caboose or a tight little Aniston ass? Is he into bubble butts or does he favor a heart-shaped specimen?
As she was pondering the wide variety of booty a man might enjoy, another text popped up:
“I hope I didn’t freak you out. I just thought I should mention it because it’s really important to me.”
Alrighty. This was not just some random, misfired comment — this ass business was actually a critical factor in the fate of their relationship. And they hadn’t even met.
Should I walk into the restaurant backwards so he can evaluate it straight away? Gabby pondered. What if I get there first? Should I stand up upon his arrival, turn around and present like a baboon?
She knew that if she didn’t show it to him right off the bat, they’d both sit there smiling and making small talk, all the while the big question looming in the air: Is or isn’t her badonkadonk up to snuff?
Now, if you are a clueless male and are somehow missing the point of all this — as you sometimes do when we’re speaking all French and everything — the problem is not that the man is keen on keesters. A lot of blokes like butts and that is A-OK.
However, it is one thing to mention it during a conversation when the question “What is your favorite body part?” comes up. Yet it is quite another to send a random, unsolicited text proclaiming your ass love prior to meeting your date – and then a follow-up message to reiterate its importance.
This will undoubtedly cause the girl to a) question nonstop whether her buns will pass muster and b) think you are a complete whack job.
Gabby did the only thing any sane woman would do. She told Seymour he could kiss her sweet ass goodbye. That’s right, even before he got to say hello.
The moral of the story is simple: If you behave like an ass, you sure as hell ain’t getting any.
Categories: True Story