Well, that was interesting.
I’ve just returned from the gas station, where I was verbally raped. It had been a very run-of-the-mill day and I stopped off for gas on my way home from work. I was preparing to pump when a silver Saturn drove up quickly in front of my car. The driver beckoned me to approach him.
I thought he was lost or something, so I walked up to his window.
“What is your ethnicity?” he asked. I’m a mix so I get that a lot.
I told him and he said, “Is there any chance you don’t have a man?”
“Actually, I have a boyfriend,” I said, smiling politely. The easiest, most humane way to decline a guy.
“Is there any chance you’d be with another man?” he asked. Persistent little bugger.
“No, I don’t think that would go over well,” I said, still smiling. And then…
“Is there any chance you’d be with a guy who’s 11 inches and really thick?”
Oh! Hee-hee, well, hem, haw, wowie, lemme think, ummmm…
NO!!! YOU SICK FUCK!!!
First of all, 11 inches sounds like reverse childbirth. Not interested. You belong in a stable, not out in society attempting to penetrate innocent human females with that thing. I wasn’t shopping around for an episiotomy, thank you very much.
Secondly, we are not in the Valley and this is not a scene from Boogie Nights, you freak. Do people actually do this – in broad daylight, with a million people around, at a fucking Chevron station on the west side? And more importantly, does it ever work?
I hardly ever get picked up in public. And when I do it’s by some perv at the pump wielding a ballistic missile between his legs. Allegedly.
In hindsight, I kind of wish I’d asked him to whip it out for a look-see. In the name of scientific curiosity only – the same way one might want to see a two-headed turtle or a vagina with teeth.
Alas, I was tired and at a loss for words so I simply gave him the “talk to the hand” gesture and walked away.
I wish I’d thought of a snarky retort to put him in his place. Since you all have the luxury of time to think of a clever comeback, please share what I shoulda, coulda, woulda said to Mr. Long Dong. Thanks in advance.
Categories: True Story