There are a lot of dating bloggers out there. If you are reading this, chances are you’re one of them. I’ve read many posts of late from bloggers who grapple with the predicament of how to blog when they start dating someone seriously.
Should I write about our relationship? What if he’s uncomfortable? It feels weird. What should I write about then?
Last night I saw this tête-à-tête between two of my most favorite women in the world: my lesbian crush, Chelsea Handler, and a young English singer whose voice I could listen to for hours, Adele.
Adele wrote the songs on her latest album in the aftermath of a breakup — and they are all about her ex. Chelsea — a brilliant comedian and author, for those of you living in a well — also often writes about her boyfriends and exes. These two exchanged quips on the topic last night on my favorite show, Chelsea Lately.
Check it out:
Chelsea: “Once they date me, it’s like, I’m sorry, I have to make fun of you. And in your form of artistry, it’s the same thing. It’s hard to be in a relationship when that person knows that if it doesn’t go well, everyone’s going to know about it.”
Adele: “Yeah, but my motto is, then you shouldn’t fuck me over.”
I love those British birds.
Categories: Totally Random
I love Chelsea….I love that woman to bits. But I’m so sad that I missed this interview. I choose to keep certain things private but if it comes down to a really really really bad date, then I can’t help but write them with a squeal of delight. lol!
I wrote a blog for years in which, among other topics, I recounted my dating life, assigning the men in my world different pseudonyms. My friends loved it. I was VERY honest. They would get confused when I talked about the men using their real names. It was fun.
But then I met my Love. I wrote about him a few times as we were getting together, but I never gave him a pseudonym. I sent him a few of the blog posts to provide some background… but I forgot to remove the HTML links. He easily found my blog and spent one night reading the entire thing– three years’ worth of posts. I knew that he was reading it when he posted a comment. I felt like I was stripped naked and standing in a bright, intense light. It was really uncomfortable to know that he was reading my heart. The good news was that he then knew ALL of my dating past (his response was “You’ve been treated really badly.”). The awkward part was that he then also had access to my blog. What was I to do? He promised he wouldn’t read it unless I specifically invited him to, but that still felt weird. We talked a little about what his blog name would be, but that violated the rules of the game. He wasn’t allowed to pick his own blog name. The awkwardness lingered.
It ended up being a moot point. Falling in love with him (and he is the man I will spend the rest of my life with) was totally unbloggable. It was so personal, so intimate, so tender, so amazing. I didn’t (and don’t) want to share that with the masses. Everything I would blog I tell him anyway. There is no point. This means that my friends are no longer privy to every detail, but the drama is gone. We are endlessly fascinating to one another and totally boring to the world. I have closed my blog. I may start a new one, but I’m really content living presently. I’ve started writing in my paper journal again, as I’ve done since I was 13. It feels good to have something that’s for my eyes only.
This made me smile and “awwww” out loud.
1. i was literally listening to the new adele album when i pulled up this blog. fricken love her!
2. saw that interview, it was fantastic.
3. and i always take the approach of don’t f me over. i choose never to talk about my relationships until they are over (hence why it was a surprise to everyone that i got engaged. hah)
Isn’t she fantastic? I loved her on Chelsea. And yeah, you were good at keeping that under wraps!
This is something I’ve had to think about as well, and even broached the topic with my current flame… He doesn’t have a problem with being written about (for now), but requested a psuedonym (of course). He also told me he’s not planning on reading what I write (we’ll see). It’s difficult because whenever someone finds out they are included as a subject, it gets awkward and there are temptations to edit when you’re writing. As such, I categorically refuse to self-edit, results be damned. I’m a writer and that’s what I’m going to do, subject aware or not.
Not always easy, but a welcome challenge and opportunity (though it is a good reason to keep the subjects ignorant of their role).
I hear you completely. The reason I’m anonymous is exactly that reason – I don’t want to write with caution or fear because it will ultimately affect the writing. I write with candor – often about topics or viewpoints most people don’t discuss. It is definitely a tricky situation.
I’ve had a few past dates ask what it would take to make it into my book. I wasn’t sure if they were afraid of being included or they saw it as a challenge. I told them each they had to one-up the last dating story I added. If I remember correctly, there were a few that asked that succeeded in making it.
Interesting. So do you tell them about it up front? Any of them freak out about it or specifically ask not to be written about?
“but then, are you lying to him/her if you don’t tell them you are writing about them?”
Understand that sentiment.
I’ve grinded widgets with one of those two.
Care to guess?
Is “widget” the word the kids are using for genitalia these days?
I have a little rule I keep to when it comes to boyfriends and blogging. If they get to the boyfriend stage, I air my grievances with them before putting it on the blog – if at all. Once we’ve broken up, it’s open season. The consequences to being an arsehole is that as many people as possible will eventually know you’re an arsehole. A blog just helps that along 😉
That sounds like a good strategy!
LOL – that is a pretty good line.
I’m not sure how I would handle it. I guess I’d have to pull the word “single” out of my blog title, but the same word isn’t part of my online name. (I debated it when I first started blogging, but elected not to make the “single” part permanent out of… hope?) Beyond that, it’s always hard to figure out where the public/private line should be, especially when I’m mostly anonymous, but have broken out of it to meet some readers. Knowing me, I’d probably blog about it a lot until she dumped me, then just do one short post saying “it’s over, leave me alone.”
Still, being made fun of in a song is a heck of a lot classier than posting intimate videos online, which I read about on salon.com the other day. Any dude who does that is just sad… and in need of some help.
That is pretty awful. Posting videos without someone’s permission is absolutely not cool – and I think illegal?
Ahaha, well imagine dating a blogger and you’re BOTH writing about it! <—- Me.
i like the point about there being more accountability. Well, unless you have no problem abandoning your blogger world and disappearing forever. Sooo not going to happen.
Wow, that’s a new one! Well, I guess it helps keep you both in check, then, eh? Did you two meet through blogging?
I am paranoid about guys I’ve just met finding my blog, and then try to convince myself that its just us girls who internet not stalk, and not guys…right?
Hahaha… I’ve a feeling there are some male stalkers as well…
This is such a common theme I see amongst dating bloggers. Its a predicament I haven’t yet found myself in since I’ve started blogging (both happy and sad by this) and frankly I have no idea how I’m going to handle it once I do start seriously dating someone.
I know from a readers perspective I really want to hear what the bloggers I follow are now going through in their relationship…on the flip side as a blogger I can understand not wanting to put the intimate details of a relationship out there. I think if my SO didn’t know about the blog it would make it easier…but then, are you lying to him/her if you don’t tell them you are writing about them? But then again it is anonymous so is it really harmful?
Such a really tough place to be. But anyway, Adele totally kicks ass & that comment just proves it!
I have mixed feelings on the whole thing, honestly. It didn’t feel quite right to write all about Tom and my issues, so I kept it to a minimum. And when I did talk of it, I spoke pretty generally. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like it, but being anonymous helps.
Haha…that’s great…and true. Once he found out about the blog, G got testy about it, especially after a particularly nasty argument. He was all, “Don’t write about this on your blog. All your friends will hate me!” And I was like, “Too late. And how about if you don’t want to look like a jackass on my blog, don’t act like one!” 🙂
That’s pretty much the best way to not have someone call you a jackass… don’t act like a jackass.
Love it! I just had to stop dating one guy because he kept getting ticked off by my blogging. And most of it wasn’t about him. Well, it wasn’t about him then….*g*…
That’s lame. If it wasn’t about him why should he give a crap?