I Am Officially the Worst Flirt on Earth

It’s official: I am the worst flirt on earth. Seriously, those nerds from The Big Bang Theory ooze swagger compared to me.

When in the presence of a cute guy I’d like to know better, I unequivocally turn into one of two things:

  1. A blustering idiot
  2. A deaf mute

It’s not that I don’t know how to flirt – I mean, I’ve seen it done many times:  smile wide, tilt head, bat eyes, lightly touch his arm, play with my hair, all that shiz. But when the time comes for me to perform, I choke like Ralphie from A Christmas Story when he draws a blank in front of Santa instead of telling him how desperately he wants a Red Rider BB Gun.


Last weekend I attended Bloomfest, a street festival in the LA downtown arts district, with my gay bf and girlfriend Rosie. We took the metro downtown and I spotted a tall, blond hottie as he was exiting the train. We lost him shortly after that, but discovered him again at the festival working at one of the vendor booths.

Gay bf and Rosie tried to help me out by stopping at the booth and inquiring about the stupid mugs they were selling.  We learned that his name was Craig, who was actually quite friendly and chatted with us for some time about his life as a graduate student.

Unfortunately, I had a low-blood-sugar-hunger headache and knew that anything coming out of my mouth would just sound cavewoman-esque (“Me food now”) or hostile (“What’s a bitch gotta do to get a biscuit?”), so I let my friends do the talking while I tried to pose prettily and contain the urge to drool.

Perhaps it was because I didn’t say much, or perhaps it was because I wore sensible shoes that day, but Craig mostly ignored me during our little group exchange. So we finally bid him farewell and set off in search of dinner.

Second Chance

Once I ingested a bag of kettle corn, several free energy bar samples and a plateful of overpriced Vietnamese food truck noodles, my headache dissipated and I felt, in fact, spry. So on our way out, we decided to pay Craig another visit.

This time, I managed to speak and he was paying more attention to me, but what emerged from my lips was gobbledygook. Gay bf and Rosie tried to be good wingpeople, but I was hopeless. Here is an excerpt from the conversation:

Craig: Well, I didn’t actually make this mug, because right now I only know how to do two-color processing. I’m [something something] silk screening and [something something something] the old school way. (Note: my heart was pounding so hard out of nervousness I honestly couldn’t understand what the fuck he was saying.)

Me: So, like, when you say two color, is it like, I mean, well, is it kind of like… what I mean is, like… in graphic design there’s like two color and, um, four color, but you know, four color really sorta means something about… um, what am I trying to say is, hahahahahahaha! Woo! I mean… four color is like all the colors or something? Ya know what I mean?

Craig: Well, actually [hardy fardy lardy mardy tardy dardy] and [flar de flar, ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma] so [hemoglobin, Bavarian cream pie]. Does that make sense?

Me: Ohhhhhhh. Mmhm, mmhm, I see what you mean.

This went on for a bit with gay bf interjecting to save me from time to time. I was stammering more than Colin Firth before he met that Geoffrey Rush dude in The King’s Speech. So I figured I should just shut my trap now to avoid any further humiliation. I completely froze and stood there with mouth ajar like a catatonic lady-ape.

When Craig asked, “So, are you guys gonna hang out for a while?” I should’ve taken it as a prime opportunity to say, “Yes, why don’t you join us when you’re finished here?” But instead I said, “Actually, we’re about to head out.” The one sentence I managed to say clearly.

And at that point, I did in fact want to get the hell out of Dodge. His twinkly blue eyes and sparkling white teeth were making me nervous and uncomfortable and crazy and I wanted it to stop. When faced with fight or flight, hands down, I choose flight.

So we wished him good luck with his studies and left. When we were 50 feet away I turned around in the delusional hope that he’d be running after me to get my number, but alas, all I saw was a sea of hipsters with Vietnamese noodles in their beards.

Rosie told me I looked “so cute” standing there gazing up at Craig with a blank stare across my face. This was her nice way of telling me I looked like a doofus.

How does this happen? I’m an attractive, smart, funny, sexy woman! On the cognitive level, I am well aware of this. So why does a hot man thing reduce me to a socially awkward freak? (And not in the charming, Zooey Deschanel way.)

I went home and Google stalked him and found out he has a girlfriend. I took it as a sign. Clearly, the Universe prevented me from flirting in order to protect me from getting involved with a taken guy – or worse – rejection. Thanks for having my back, U. I suppose we’re cool for now.

24 replies

  1. Singlegirlie. I am a new follower…..Not sure how I found you, but became interested in the small “peter” discussion. Almost commented, in fact, but that’s just me……everything is all about me.
    You are cute, which I’m sure is my first motive in seeking attention I have also read your feelings regarding whether a couple should break wind in front of each other.(There are two schools of thought on this topic, you know?) c’mon, you better catch that one, or my superior wit will make it impossible to banter with you; which I am quite anxious to do. Not tonight, but as time allows. And this discussion answered some of the questions that had been rolling around in my head. You see, I used to be like you, but with the development of the internet, and not really giving a shit,I have become better than average at flirting. It’s just a matter of confidence, being yourself, and knowing what your girl likes to hear…..no, knowing your girl is more accurate…..and listening.

    It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, prettysinglegirl: oops, I mean singlegirlie. I don’t even know your name, and you’ve already told me about your lack of femininity….just partly kidding, of course. You are still single, aren’t you? No, I won’t be creeping you out. Just trying to get to know more about you.

    I don’t even know if you will see this, since the thread is over a year old. It doesn’t matter, I guess. I will catch up with you on twitter. You are funny and comfortable with the person in the mirror (yourself) so you have most everything important figured out, it seems. Sleep well Pretty, and all of you, too. I look forward to joining in your dialogue.

  2. I’ve invested about 20 minutes on google search (humorous funny blogs) and another 40 minutes reading your posts.. and girl, you didn’t disappoint!! Stupendofantabolouslyfantastical- if ever this word is to find a place in OXFORD dictionary, I will surely know, that it is referred to you.. And next time when you get nervous, just place that tiny (guessing) hand of yours on your heart, and say “ALL IS WELL”

  3. I am usually only on my flirting game with people I’m less than interested in/already comfortable around. Which also typically means people I shouldn’t be flirting with in the first place so… awesome, that.

    However. A friend of mine, who is so smart, once used the following as a pick-up line: “Soooo… how about [a country I totally forgets] not getting in to the UN? That’s a bummer, huh?”

    In other news, a friend was picked up with “YOU like ice cream??? ME TOO!!” and now they are married. So perhaps there’s hope!

    • Exactamundo. And then I don’t even think I’m flirting. I’m just being a smart ass or saying something nice. And the person might interpret it as flirting, but I don’t think I am. Meanwhile, the people I SHOULD be flirting with give me the stammers.

      Sadly, I don’t think I could ever be confident enough to use either of those lines! Your friends have more game than I.

      Alcohol helps, though. It helps a lot.

  4. Your posts are hilarious singlegirlie, I can’t believe I’ve only just found your blog. So many articles I’ve read in the past hour thinking ‘Me too!’. Same with this one. You want to know some bad flirting skills? I once just shouted “YOU’RE FIT!” at a guy. Needless to say nothing happened, but I understand he appreciated the compliment.

    • “You’re fit!” That is so awesome. Hey, at least you’re making your point and being honest. Nothing wrong with that. I likely would’ve shouted, “You’re carpet!” or something equally nonsensical. Nevertheless, I’m so glad someone can relate. Thanks for reading!

  5. So glad I’m not the only one like this! I can sound like the most intelligent, composed and awesome person when I’m talking to men that I’m not attracted to, but when it comes to an attractive man I can barely string sentences together.

  6. Hillarious!!
    I gotta give you kudos on google stalking him and all. I hate when I found out that someone seem to be giving me a green light only to find out he has a girlfriendddd….

    • What did we do before Google? We’d have to, like, actually stalk. Meaning following them around and waiting outside their apartment and stuff. Who’s got time for THAT?

  7. This is one of the reasons why I’m glad I’m not in the dating pool and hope not to be anymore. My perception may be wrong but it seems too many people in dating circles, especially women from what Cosmo tells me, seem to size up a person as dateable in the first few minutes. Guys, I’d say aren’t quite the same, partially due to cluelessness and partially because it’s more of a “bangable or not” category, sad as that is too. You can’t really see the true person in the first, second, or sometimes even third meeting, in my opinion, because of the awkwardness that exhibits itself a lot for people such as you’re intimating here. Thankfully, my girlfriend accepted my “I iz a singool guy & I likez u bunches” fumbling when we met.

    • Dude!! Cosmo is awful and no male OR female should be reading it except to mock shamelessly. I flipped through my friend’s and my eyes rolled so hard I looked like Little Orphan Annie.

  8. (1) Welcome to the awkwardness of being an adolescent boy. I’m glad that girls also went thru that or are still going thru that 🙂
    (2) “all I saw was a sea of hipsters with Vietnamese noodles in their beards.” HELLA FUNNY!

    • You know, sometimes I think boys think they’re the only ones who feel that way, but girls can be just as awkward and dorky and insecure. And if we all feel this way, then none of us should feel this way because we’re all in the same boat! Yeah, it makes sense when I write it…

      The downtown LA arts district is hipster-mania. I felt so… so… mainstream (gasp!) in my plain white tee and knock off Tom’s. Why oh why didn’t I wear my Urkel pants and ear muffs??

    • No, like I said, I know what I’m *supposed* to do – I just don’t do it because I’m too busy acting like a dork. Maybe you could come down here and give me a Valium. That might help. But then I might just act like a linguini noodle.

  9. Darlen, it was obvious he has a gf. A guy who talks work in front of a radiant (albeit migrainous) girl, instead of dropping everything to woo her, is attached. Or never ceases golden opportunities even if they itched his balls. Such guys are good flirting practice; they prepare you for when the real deal shows up and limits your Oxygen intake. As for why some drop-dead gorgeous peeps (think they) fail to captivate, it could be they don’t project their smarts, wits and charms. Like people who are louder in their heads than they, actually, are. How we are perceived may differ from how we see ourselves. Bottom line: do you know your rising sing?

    • Correction: “or never seizes up golden opportunities”. I’m fasting. spelling suffers. 🙂

      • Well, this golden opportunity would’ve been more than willing to scratch his balls. 😉 I’m not sure what my rising sign is, but if this guy was rising I’d take it as a sign. Hahaha! I got jokes!

        Seriously, I don’t know why I get so nervous. And it’s not just with anyone. But he was sooo yummy!

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