In my many years of dating, I have been on a number of unique dates: monster truck rallies, old movies at the cemetery, Souplantation…
But last week’s date was a first. He wanted to go to a gay bar.
My initial date with Mark had been about a month prior, and he seemed perfectly straight. Except, perhaps, for his overabundant use of the word “delightful.”
Now, two of my best friends are gay, so I am no stranger to gay culture. In fact, I enjoy it. I’ve been to numerous gay bars, gay pride festivals, gay porn shops, and even a gay erotic art fair. I am way okay with gay.
Except when it comes to my dates. I mean, I like that he’s open-minded and grateful he’s not a homophobe. But given my druthers, I’d prefer my date to, you know, like women.
When I told gay bf #1, he raised an eyebrow. “That’s just weird,” he said. “Well, check to see if he gets a boner when the go-go boys come out.”
When I told gay bf #2, he grinned from ear to ear and said, “Reeeeeally? Is he cute??” Gay bf #2 is always trying to get in on my action.
I decided to go through with it, if for no other purpose than reconnaissance.
The Big Gay Bar
Mark and I had a pleasant dinner and it was delicious. But our waiter was mouthwatering. He looked just like Superman, minus the tights. He kept putting his hand on Mark’s shoulder and it made me a tad jealous. Of Mark, that is.
I watched Mark like a hawk to see if his eyes twinkled when Superman swooped by. Couldn’t tell. He was just generally nice. Then he said, “I know what you’re thinking, and he’s mine, bitch.”
Sarcasm? He probably wouldn’t have said that if he were actually gay, right? This is good! So I asked him – what’s up with the queen scene, dude?
He said he favors gay bars for two reasons. First, because 9 times out of 10, they pour stronger drinks. So… that means he’s been to at least 10 gay bars. And he ordered a beer. Beer is beer, no matter how you pour it.
Second, he prefers the vibe. Straight guys tend to get loud and raucous when they drink, but gay men aren’t like that, he explained. Clearly, he’s never been to West Hollywood on a Friday night.
But hold up, Clay Aiken. I’ve been to many a straight bar and indeed quite a few exist that are sophisticated and mellow. It just depends on the place.
“Well, that’s true,” he said. “But this place is just so fabulous.”
The Big Gay Shopping Trip
After dinner, I still had a little buzz on from the wine, so Mark suggested we take a walk down the street to check out… Wait for it…
A gay sex shop.
I have an unusual affinity for sex shops, gay or straight. I love to browse around in them, in part because I find great joy in laughing at the pervs, but also because the toys endlessly fascinate me. I am always left flummoxed wondering how five-inch thick anal beads actually fit in someone’s butt.
As we were checking out the merchandise, Mark held up something I’d never seen before:
Why, it’s a ponytail butt plug. For those who like role-playing — as the Lone Ranger… and Silver. I told him I was in as long as he was Silver. He agreed.
When the evening ended, he actually kissed me, and he’s not a bad kisser. But I saw zero fireworks. Nada. Not even the cheap bootleg kind you buy like in Tijuana.
I didn’t know if it was because he is light in the loafers or because I am dead inside. Honestly, the possibility of either seems quite high.
I needed outside counsel. Naturally, I turned to the expertise of my two gays for their analyses:
Analysis by gay bf #1: He is at least 40% gay and doesn’t know it yet.
Recommendation: Dump him. If you get into a relationship with this guy, chances are one day you’ll come home to him playing Lone Ranger and Silver with Superman.
Analysis by gay bf #2: He is a) in the closet and b) using me as bait to gain the interest of other gay men who may have fantasies about turning a straight man gay.
Recommendation: I should tell him I want to have sex with him. If he says no, I’ll have my answer and ditch him. If he says yes, schedule a time and gay bf #2 will show up in my stead.
Yes, gay bf #2 is slightly off his rocker.
Mark asked me out again, and I’m stalling. He’s cute and funny and all, but I’m just not sure if I’m ready to take on gay bf #3.
Categories: True Story