My Date at the Gay Bar

In my many years of dating, I have been on a number of unique dates: monster truck rallies, old movies at the cemetery, Souplantation…

But last week’s date was a first. He wanted to go to a gay bar.


My initial date with Mark had been about a month prior, and he seemed perfectly straight. Except, perhaps, for his overabundant use of the word “delightful.”

Now, two of my best friends are gay, so I am no stranger to gay culture. In fact, I enjoy it. I’ve been to numerous gay bars, gay pride festivals, gay porn shops, and even a gay erotic art fair. I am way okay with gay.

Except when it comes to my dates. I mean, I like that he’s open-minded and grateful he’s not a homophobe. But given my druthers, I’d prefer my date to, you know, like women.

When I told gay bf #1, he raised an eyebrow. “That’s just weird,” he said. “Well, check to see if he gets a boner when the go-go boys come out.”

When I told gay bf #2, he grinned from ear to ear and said, “Reeeeeally? Is he cute??” Gay bf #2 is always trying to get in on my action.

I decided to go through with it, if for no other purpose than reconnaissance.

The Big Gay Bar

Mark and I had a pleasant dinner and it was delicious. But our waiter was mouthwatering. He looked just like Superman, minus the tights. He kept putting his hand on Mark’s shoulder and it made me a tad jealous. Of Mark, that is.

I watched Mark like a hawk to see if his eyes twinkled when Superman swooped by. Couldn’t tell. He was just generally nice. Then he said, “I know what you’re thinking, and he’s mine, bitch.”

Sarcasm? He probably wouldn’t have said that if he were actually gay, right? This is good! So I asked him – what’s up with the queen scene, dude?

He said he favors gay bars for two reasons. First, because 9 times out of 10, they pour stronger drinks. So… that means he’s been to at least 10 gay bars. And he ordered a beer. Beer is beer, no matter how you pour it.

Second, he prefers the vibe. Straight guys tend to get loud and raucous when they drink, but gay men aren’t like that, he explained. Clearly, he’s never been to West Hollywood on a Friday night.

But hold up, Clay Aiken. I’ve been to many a straight bar and indeed quite a few exist that are sophisticated and mellow. It just depends on the place.

“Well, that’s true,” he said. “But this place is just so fabulous.”

Oh, dear.

The Big Gay Shopping Trip

After dinner, I still had a little buzz on from the wine, so Mark suggested we take a walk down the street to check out… Wait for it…

A gay sex shop.


I have an unusual affinity for sex shops, gay or straight. I love to browse around in them, in part because I find great joy in laughing at the pervs, but also because the toys endlessly fascinate me. I am always left flummoxed wondering how five-inch thick anal beads actually fit in someone’s butt.

As we were checking out the merchandise, Mark held up something I’d never seen before:

Why, it’s a ponytail butt plug. For those who like role-playing — as the Lone Ranger… and Silver. I told him I was in as long as he was Silver. He agreed.

Bye, Curious

When the evening ended, he actually kissed me, and he’s not a bad kisser. But I saw zero fireworks. Nada. Not even the cheap bootleg kind you buy like in Tijuana.

I didn’t know if it was because he is light in the loafers or because I am dead inside. Honestly, the possibility of either seems quite high.

I needed outside counsel. Naturally, I turned to the expertise of my two gays for their analyses:

Analysis by gay bf #1: He is at least 40% gay and doesn’t know it yet.

Recommendation: Dump him. If you get into a relationship with this guy, chances are one day you’ll come home to him playing Lone Ranger and Silver with Superman.

Analysis by gay bf #2: He is a) in the closet and b) using me as bait to gain the interest of other gay men who may have fantasies about turning a straight man gay.

Recommendation: I should tell him I want to have sex with him. If he says no, I’ll have my answer and ditch him. If he says yes, schedule a time and gay bf #2 will show up in my stead.

Yes, gay bf #2 is slightly off his rocker.

Mark asked me out again, and I’m stalling. He’s cute and funny and all, but I’m just not sure if I’m ready to take on gay bf #3.

Categories: True Story

Tagged as: , , ,

72 replies

  1. ponytail but plug ..smh…(ewww vivid imagination )

    i thought a sex shop would be boring. like how many dildos can you make?

  2. As a first date, a bit unusual. As a couple, curiously fun. Good idea in theory, but not until the ‘get to know you’ phase is in and out of the way. This reminds me of the SATC episode about the gay-straight men vs. straight-gay men. Watch it and relive.

  3. That was fascinating! I once had a somewhat effeminate boyfriend a million years ago who I always wondered if he was gay. The sex was pretty good and he was pretty upset when it ended, but then a couple years later I’d heard from a mutual friend that he’s gotten together with a guy or two and was crotch grabbing male acquaintances in bars…. I think he’s still dating women… but he’s definitely not exactly at the stratight end of the sexuality spectrum… I think if you have a gut feeling about this guy’s sexuality and it makes you uncomfortable then move on. Plus, you gotta have fireworks 🙂

  4. There are quite a few guys I have met who are gay and don’t know it, or want to admit it to themselves.
    There are a lot of guys out there who are gay and feel they can’t admit it due to their job (especially in the media—hint Anderson Cooper?)
    Either way, I’m never really sure what to say to them, it’s definitely not my battle, but is it my place to assert my opinion and maybe assist in turning on that lightbulb above their head to illuminate the closet that they’re possibly confined in?
    All I know is that I do love having a steady supply of gay friends … Who else would I watch and use quotes from RuPauls Drag Race with?

  5. ok…. this is perplexing, yet painfully obvious.

    i agree with gay BF #1 – he’s gay and doesn’t know it.

    and he said fabulous. really?

    and the gay sex shop seals the deal. no way in hell a straight guy would want to go there, unless it was purely for entertainment purposes. and even then, probably not.

    • Isn’t it weird? It’s so obvious it makes you question it. And yes, he said fabulous. I was like, you take me to a gay bar and then you say fabulous? Are you fucking with me? It’s so cliche not even my gay bfs say it. Well, gay bf #2 sometimes.

  6. I think he is a lampost. straight for the most part, but with a curve. however, the curve is the part that “shines” so I’d stay clear, plus you said no spark. If there is no spark. why bother. good luck

    • Come on shake your body Denny do that conga, I know you can’t control yourself any longer.

      Why are you now purple? I can think of something else that’s purple. Baaaaahahahahah!

  7. I work in a gay bar and tend to take a lot of my dates there (assuming, that is, they are attractive enough to be brought to a gay bar). He’s completely right – the drinks are waaaaay stronger than that of a breeder bar. Every date has seemed completely comfortable in the environment, which is important to me, but that ease didn’t make me question their sexuality in the least (it was probably their hand on my ass or something of the like). I’m far more worried about the men who feign limp wrists and lisped speech when faced with anything having to do with homosexuality. Those boys are as closet as they come.

    If you don’t go out with him again, do so because there are no sparks, not because you fear he’s batting for the other team. If he were actually closeted, I think he would avoid taking you to a gay bar, not suggesting that you go to one.

    • Funny, he used the term “breeder” as well, referring to the two of us. I think it’s quite a different thing when you – a girl who works at a gay bar – invite a date there and he’s comfortable vs. a date wanting to take you to a gay bar. BUT, of course it does not mean unequivocally that he’s gay. Maybe he is just really comfortable with it and his reasons were in fact true. But it is highly unusual – a first for me, so of course it raises the question.

      I agree, if he is in the closet, he most likely wouldn’t suggest a gay bar.

      So why are the drinks so much stronger, home girl?

  8. What an adventure you got yourself into! Before I give my final conclusion–I will need more info–hair photos and what color his teeth were. Only then, will my assessment be complete. Was he really Gay or just a straight guy who’s 100% comfortable in his skin? The world may never know…ever. But you can blame Spider-Man for that–he taught us that it’s okay to be 2 different people…while wearing tights and living with a matriarch figure. Oy!

    • LOL! Hair – shortish (not crew cut, but not long). Somewhat neat. No visible product. Wore a fedora, actually. Teeth – didn’t notice, so not ghastly enough to MAKE me notice! I think you may be right on this one – could go either way, or both ways – we may never know…

  9. OH MY GOD! I have gone through something like this. It’s so weird when it happens and it makes me think my gaydar is fucked up. I will have to put a post about it on my blog to tell you guys about it. But I so know what you were feeling. The best thing I would do is dump… or call him up so sorry but it ain’t working out… then delete and block the number… if he keeps disagreeing with you.

  10. I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say that all the extraneous details (i.e. the location of the date, going to the sex shop after, etc.) don’t really matter. It really boils down to the fact that when you kissed, you didn’t feel anything, and I think if there were sparks there, then it wouldn’t have really mattered where you went or what you did with him. Whether or not the lack of attraction was due to his wanting to go to these places, only you can say. If you think there’s still potential, by all means, go on date number three, and if not, move on to the next date #1…

  11. I’d be more worried about him saying “delightful” and “fabulous” than the gay bar thing.

    Offer to peg him in the butt with a strap-on. If he’s down with that, there’s your answer.

  12. Hey Singlegirlie,

    Gay bars are the shit, no doubt. Its a little “gay” that he asked you to one. I would recommend bumping into a still in love with you ex-bf on a date with Mark and see his reaction.

  13. Holy Neil Patrick Harris!!

    I’m going to use my favorite Will & Grace quote here:

    “Oh, honey. He’s gayer than a clutch purse on Tony night.”

    He totally beeped on that waiter’s gaydar, too.

    I vote gay.

  14. Whether he is gay or actually straight, if you prefer a manly man, then ditch this guy because he seems very in touch with his feminine (or should I say homosexual) side. Plus, I agree with other commentators – it’s not worth sticking around to find out whether he is gay or straight when there is no spark. I love your gay bf #2 recommendation – he is hilarious!

    • Actually, I like men who are in touch with their fem side – even wrote a whole post “5 Un-manly Man Things I Love in a Man” last year. But being in touch with his fem side vs. actually wanting to sleep with a man is a totally different ball game. No pun intended.

  15. WOW. seriously?! First of all, hilarious, second of all, I can’t believe you went knowing it was a gay bar for a date (nothing at all against gay bars but uh, not for a date!), and then the sex shop!? I mean really. I agree with the dumpage, but now I am just curious about the next date!

    • Oddly, it being at a gay bar was one of the reasons I actually wanted to go! I’d never been on a date in a gay bar and I knew it would be interesting if nothing else. As for the sex shop, yeah it was pretty weird. Like I said, I love sex shops, but being there with him surrounded by sex on a 2nd date was a little awkward.

  16. Ok let’s just throw out everything that happened and concentrate on the kiss. I am with Ivy on this one. Again. If there ain’t no spark….NEXT.

  17. That’s a pretty interesting date. What about a devil’s 3way? Or is that just too much penis?

    This reminds me of a funny story… Bernie and I, along with a couple other friends, were taking a cab down Santa Monica Blvd. to some bar, probably Busby’s. As we were driving down I quickly glanced to my left and saw a bar with a very long line and a lot of people hanging out outside. I turned to my friends and said, “That place looks pretty poppin’! We should go there sometime!” My friends quickly pointed out that it was a gay bar called Rage. Upon closer inspection, I saw more tight leather pants than I’d ever seen. Of course, ridicule followed for the rest of the night.

    Oh yeah, I have another one… Bernie and I were out watching a movie with our girlfriends (at the time) and the previews came on. They showed a preview about two cowboys who were best friends, did everything together and were inseparable. Bernie says very loudly, “Hey, that’s like me and Jon!” Of course, halfway through the preview it started getting gay as it turned out to be Brokeback Mountain. Bernie said even louder, “Whoa! That’s NOT like me and Jon!” The whole theater burst into laughter.

    • A devil’s three-way? Is that what they call boy-girl-boy? Guess I’m not up on the group sex lingo. Nah. The idea of a guy’s pee pee being in someone else (male or female) then in me kinda grosses me out.

      LOL, I know Rage. There’s that one strip on Santa Monica Blvd. that is like gay mecca. It is ALWAYS hoppin’!

      Seriously, Jon, you and Bernie are like the ambiguously gay duo. I love your stories. You guys should make a movie.

  18. You mean you’re not sure if you’re ready to take on gay bf #4, because #3 is right here. 🙂

    I don’t think he’s gay, but there’s curiosity on his part there. I know gay men who prefer to hang out exclusively with straight folks in straight spots. As for his vocab, was he an english major? 😀

    Maybe Mark enjoys the harmless flirtation? Maybe he’d be afraid of competition and feels more secure knowing only he can interest you in a bar full of studs? Or maybe he’s simply the product of a metrosexualized age where straight dudes think they’re cooler/edgier (and therefore, chick magnets) by adopting an open-minded, all-accepting attitude?

    If Mark is straight and still has love for my likes, girl, you’ve got yourself a gem! 😉

    • Yay! I’d much rather have you as #3 😀

      I’m really not sure. I do like a guy who’s not homophobic and feels secure in his manhood, but a gay bar really did seem an odd choice. He actually did seem interested in me (although he will not call me – only text) and wants to go out again.

      I guess the bottom line is, if I were really into the guy, I might pursue this further. But the romantic chemistry just wasn’t really there. You more than anyone know the importance of a good kiss! xx

  19. Thoroughly enjoyed this story. I haven’t been there but if it were me I wouldn’t go on date three. You’ve got the gay bf’s already (I’m jealous, always wanted one of those). Let us know if you try bf#2’s advice — and what happens.

  20. Are we living the same life??? I have had two dates with this guy. After the first date, I told my friends that I had just gone out with a totally adorable gay boy. He didn’t pay. He attempted a kiss goodnight that is best described and the tightly-closed-lip-grandma-pucker. My best friend suggested that maybe he was gay and experimenting with girls, so he clearly didn’t understand straight dating rules.

    I was surprised when he called to ask me out again, but not as surprised as I was at myself when I said yes. Date #2 was not at a gay bar, and we had a lot of fun…but like the kind of fun I have with my gay guy friends who don’t intimidate me and whom I don’t intimidate. I was more easy-going because I know he’s gay even if he doesn’t. And then he kissed me again and this time is was an actual real kiss, but in my head I was yelling, “BUT YOU’RE GAY!” It wasn’t a bad kiss at all, but like yours, no spark.

    He called and I have been dragging my feet about calling him back because I do not know how to respond. My friends are divided about whether I should go out with him again. I’m inclined to trust my gut and not lead the guy on, but part of me wants to see if I can get him to talk to me about past relationships, etc., so I can figure him out.

  21. This guy is so bisexual! I was at the gay bar last weekend and the gorgeous man wanted to have a threesome. He seemed totally straight except for the fact that we were in a gay bar and the third would be a man.
    Just because they are attracted to you doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to other men.

    • You know what’s odd? I never actually considered the idea that he might be bi. I don’t know why that slipped my mind. Maybe because I don’t really know any bisexuals – at least not that I’m aware of. But then, why wouldn’t he take a man to a gay bar and a woman to a straight bar? And why wouldn’t he just tell me when I asked about the gay bar thing? Maybe I should just ask him straight out. Or bi out.

  22. Hmmm sounds like gay bf2 is on the money but if there are no fireworks when kissing then will there really be any when moving to sex?

    Weirdes date venue I have ever heard of from someone who goes on a straight date. Not to mention the gay sex shop…. definite closet warning in my book.

  23. OMG OMG OMG is all I have to say. Wait, no, I lied. I met a guy once, went out on a date, seemed nice, like him, he was attractive and two days later while on the phone he mentioned something (I can’t remember what now) and it drew up a red flag. So I asked, and couldn’t believe I had to do it, if he was digging both men and women and he dogged the question. UH HUH, got my answer! So I pressed on and asked him if he had ever dated a guy before, he dogged again. So I finally just asked him if he had ever slept with a guy before and he asked what my definition was of sex—um, what?! I told him I don’t care if someone is gay, bi, whatever but I will not date a guy unless he’s straight. I already have to wonder if a guy is checking out a female hotter than I am but I will not have him checking out dudes too. He was pissed, didn’t understand why I could even be mad and I hung up on his ass!

    • This is a response to April since I’m not sure how the commenting software works. Well, let’s flip it around. Wouldn’t you find a man who encountered a bisexual woman who wanted to date him in the pursuit of a potential exclusive relationship a bit weak mentally if he can’t handle being with a woman who finds both men and women attractive to her?

      I’m secure in myself that I can date a woman who dates both sexes and it doesn’t bother me if they’ve had sex with both sexes either.

      If we’re together, I date her in the pursuit of an exclusive relationship with her. Her liking women doesn’t make her less appealing to me.

      This is probably going to be responded with some comments about how men find it awesome to date women who are bisexual because you’ll assume it’s the whole threesome angle.

      But really I don’t want my girl messing around with anyone else, male or female.

      If the tables were turned wouldn’t you consider me immature or insecure if I wouldn’t date a bisexual woman?

      Now to the main article, that dude has issues. Issues that he needs to deal with before subjecting a poor other person to it. He needs to figure out if he’s straight, gay or bi, and whichever he chooses, embrace it.

      A first date at a gay bar does not make sense, nor does his reasoning. He seemed to simultaneously stereotype gay bars in one way and “straight” bars in another.

      Regardless of what he is, no one wants to date a work in progress…or do we? We all love confident partners…I’m very attracted to confident women who straddle the (get your mind out of the gutter) fine line between confidence and arrogance.

      Cut him loose.

      • Funny, I honestly don’t know how I’d feel about dating a bi guy, because it’s never happened to me thus far. But honestly, I’d rather be dumped for a guy than another woman. Strange, eh?

        As for my date, I dunno. Maybe he is just really, really open minded? Or not. I wondered if he was in transition – in the closet but trying to come out and this was some sort of happy medium? Maybe he thought he’d go in with me and leave with a boyfriend. And at what point should someone divulge their sexuality? Or sexual confusion? It’s all very interesting and I’d love to figure it out, but as you said, not sure if I want to be the one HE’S figuring it out with.

  24. What’s kind of bizarre about this whole story is that something very similar happened to me years ago. My date and I went for dinner and then he wanted to go to a Gay Bar where we ran into all my Gay BFF’s and I had the awkward task of explaining that the reason I was there was because I was “on a date”. They weren’t convinced and neither was I. The guy was cute & all but, there were no fireworks (mostly because all I could think at the time was GAY BAR GAY BAR GAY BAR!)

    I’m with the Gay Bf’s. This guy is about as straight as a man in leather chaps at a George Michael comeback tour….he probably just hasn’t come to terms with it yet.

    • Just realized that the last part of my comment probably sounded a bit judgmental. There is a *possibility* that this guy might be confused about his sexuality however, it’s very likely he’s confused about how to date a straight girl (ie. trip to gay sex shop)

  25. hmm, maybe the guy is bi, but he should have mentioned that. regardless, don’t waste time trying to start a fire where there aren’t any sparks.

    that being said, it would be pretty damn hilarious to take gay bf#2 advice and make a sex move and see how he reacts. i bet that is worth at the very least another post.

    maybe i should pretend i’m gay on first dates to see how many women throw the litmus test of coitus at me?

    • Funny thing is, I think he did sorta like me and if I offered sex he just might call me on my bluff. I know I could send in gay bf #2 to pinch hit but, ya know, what if he wasn’t Mark’s type? 😉

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