Hello, dear readers! Today is extra special because we’re bringing a little testosterone to the table with a guest post from Single Steve! Steve is one of my favorite bloggers who writes hilariously about dating from a guy’s perspective. You really need to check out his blog because if you think I’m funny, he’s 10 times funnier and with better Photoshopping skills.
Today he’s writing about a topic that I am all too familiar with, because rom-coms ruined my life, too. So much so that I refuse to watch them anymore. I always wind up crying my eyes out because no one has ever made a mad dash to the airport for me, and that means I am an unlovable freak. I know it’s ridiculous and Mindy Kaling was spot-on when she said:
“I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world… There is no difference between Ripley from Alien and any Katherine Heigl character.”
I had thought it was just us women who were delusional, so I was surprised to hear they’ve wreaked havoc on a man’s life as well. Tell us all about it, Steve:
Romantic comedies ruined my life. And not in the way like a giant shelf at Blockbuster filled with romantic comedies fell over and crushed my entire family type of way.
But I mean in the every relationship I’ve ever had up until this point has ended for essentially the same reason: it wasn’t as good as the love in a romantic comedy type of way. And I know, that sounds horrible right? And it IS horrible. And I’M horrible for actually saying this out loud. But really, it’s awful.
Fun fact: I have never been dumped. I have always been the dumper. And it’s always for the same reason: You are not my person. Yes, I have broken up with people for other reasons, but those reasons are more concrete, like “I don’t like when you let other dudes stick their penises in your vagina.” Call me old fashioned, but that’s a deal breaker.
I’ve broken up perfectly “good” relationships — relationships with no fighting, good times and genuine love. I broke it off because as soon as I know you’re not the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, I break it off. Sure, we could continue to date for another year, have a good relationship, still be in love, but in a year I’ll still know you’re not “my person” AND now we’re a year later in our lives, where you and I could have spent that time potentially meeting our forever person. I know, it sounds awful, and I’m awful. But I can’t be the only one that’s ever broken up a good relationship? I mean, can you ONLY break up with someone because you fought a lot, or she slept with someone else, or “we drifted apart”?
Yes, I’m a heart breaker, and yes, I feel awful about it. Every. Single. Time. I usually find a better and more articulate way to say this, but in general I always give the “You’re awesome. You’re just not my awesome” speech. I genuinely mean that. All of my ex-girlfriends have been awesome. Except the ones that bang other dudes. They’re not awesome. They’re dirty whores. I’m juuuuust kidding. But really, they’re pretty awful people.
I don’t want a “good” relationship. I want a fucking epic, amazing, romantic comedy-level type of love relationship. If you’re going to get married to someone, why shouldn’t that person be romantic comedy-level amazing? I’m talking Love Actually, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Sleepless In Seattle, 500 Days of Summer kind of love. Which is funny, because they’re movies. It’s not real. It’s fake. And so am I striving towards a fake ideal? Like just because I saw and fucking loved the movie Jurassic Park doesn’t mean I get real sad when I can’t ride a brontosaurs to work every day.
Because it’s fake. It’s not real. I know that. I know dinosaurs aren’t real. But what my brain refuses to comprehend is that the epic love connection in those rom-com movies might also be fake, not real, unobtainable. My brain watches a romantic comedy and checks it into memory as fact. There is nothing I can do to persuade my brain into thinking it’s just a movie and stuff like that doesn’t actually exist in real life.
Has the love in Hollywood movies destroyed my perspective of what love actually is? I don’t think so. I hope not. I’m optimistic. I’ve seen it. My grandparents and parents are great examples of long lasting love. My best friend who just got married, he married his person. You can just tell. I hope to one day just be able to tell. I want to be married to the same person for the next 40 years, still holding hands, still having friendly sarcastic banter, still in love, more than ever. Did you vomit all over your keyboard yet?
So…I know a lot of you are probably screaming at your computer right now, “STEVEN, YOU IDIOT, NOT EVERY DAY IN A RELATIONSHIP IS THIS PERFECT AMAZING LOVE, YOU CAN’T JUST DITCH AND RUN BECAUSE EVERY DAY ISN’T LIKE A FUCKING MOVIE!”
First of all, calm the fuck down. Step 1, release the caps lock button. Step 2, I know, I completely agree. Relationships are work, and effort, and compromise. Absolutely agree. AND ask anyone I’ve dated, I’m a preeeeetty good person to date, as far as communication and compromise. I’m just saying, most ex-girlfriends would probably talk nice about our relationship. Up until the point where I shat on their hearts and broke up a good relationship with the “You’re awesome, just not my awesome” speech. BUT everything before that point was pretty good. I’m just saying, ask them.
I know every day can’t be a romantic comedy-level type of love. But I’m optimistic most days will be.
Until then, I will keep watching shitty romantic comedies that I secretly love more than a grown man should, and will be optimistic I will one day find that level of rom-com love.
I’m just Jim, looking for his Pam.
Okay Steve, so I kinda wanna slap you right now but I won’t because I kinda secretly not so secretly feel the same way. See what these Hollywood assholes do? Set up crazily unrealistic expectations for relationships that no actual humans could ever possibly hope to live up to. It’s no wonder we’re all fucked. Nicholas Sparks can suck brontosaurus balls.
Do yourself a favor and check out Single Steve’s stuff here:
Categories: Guest Post