Romantic Comedies Ruined My Life

Hello, dear readers! Today is extra special because we’re bringing a little testosterone to the table with a guest post from Single Steve! Steve is one of my favorite bloggers who writes hilariously about dating from a guy’s perspective. You really need to check out his blog because if you think I’m funny, he’s 10 times funnier and with better Photoshopping skills.

Today he’s writing about a topic that I am all too familiar with, because rom-coms ruined my life, too. So much so that I refuse to watch them anymore. I always wind up crying my eyes out because no one has ever made a mad dash to the airport for me, and that means I am an unlovable freak. I know it’s ridiculous and Mindy Kaling was spot-on when she said:

“I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world… There is no difference between Ripley from Alien and any Katherine Heigl character.”

I had thought it was just us women who were delusional, so I was surprised to hear they’ve wreaked havoc on a man’s life as well. Tell us all about it, Steve:

Romantic comedies ruined my life. And not in the way like a giant shelf at Blockbuster filled with romantic comedies fell over and crushed my entire family type of way.

DVDs killing family

But I mean in the every relationship I’ve ever had up until this point has ended for essentially the same reason: it wasn’t as good as the love in a romantic comedy type of way. And I know, that sounds horrible right? And it IS horrible. And I’M horrible for actually saying this out loud. But really, it’s awful.

Fun fact: I have never been dumped. I have always been the dumper. And it’s always for the same reason: You are not my person. Yes, I have broken up with people for other reasons, but those reasons are more concrete, like “I don’t like when you let other dudes stick their penises in your vagina.” Call me old fashioned, but that’s a deal breaker.

I’ve broken up perfectly “good” relationships — relationships with no fighting, good times and genuine love. I broke it off because as soon as I know you’re not the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, I break it off. Sure, we could continue to date for another year, have a good relationship, still be in love, but in a year I’ll still know you’re not “my person” AND now we’re a year later in our lives, where you and I could have spent that time potentially meeting our forever person. I know, it sounds awful, and I’m awful. But I can’t be the only one that’s ever broken up a good relationship? I mean, can you ONLY break up with someone because you fought a lot, or she slept with someone else, or “we drifted apart”?

Yes, I’m a heart breaker, and yes, I feel awful about it. Every. Single. Time. I usually find a better and more articulate way to say this, but in general I always give the “You’re awesome. You’re just not my awesome” speech. I genuinely mean that. All of my ex-girlfriends have been awesome. Except the ones that bang other dudes. They’re not awesome. They’re dirty whores. I’m juuuuust kidding. But really, they’re pretty awful people.

I don’t want a “good” relationship. I want a fucking epic, amazing, romantic comedy-level type of love relationship. If you’re going to get married to someone, why shouldn’t that person be romantic comedy-level amazing? I’m talking Love Actually, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Sleepless In Seattle, 500 Days of Summer kind of love. Which is funny, because they’re movies. It’s not real. It’s fake. And so am I striving towards a fake ideal? Like just because I saw and fucking loved the movie Jurassic Park doesn’t mean I get real sad when I can’t ride a brontosaurs to work every day.

Steven on dinosaur

Because it’s fake. It’s not real. I know that. I know dinosaurs aren’t real. But what my brain refuses to comprehend is that the epic love connection in those rom-com movies might also be fake, not real, unobtainable. My brain watches a romantic comedy and checks it into memory as fact. There is nothing I can do to persuade my brain into thinking it’s just a movie and stuff like that doesn’t actually exist in real life.
Has the love in Hollywood movies destroyed my perspective of what love actually is? I don’t think so. I hope not. I’m optimistic. I’ve seen it. My grandparents and parents are great examples of long lasting love. My best friend who just got married, he married his person. You can just tell. I hope to one day just be able to tell. I want to be married to the same person for the next 40 years, still holding hands, still having friendly sarcastic banter, still in love, more than ever. Did you vomit all over your keyboard yet?

So…I know a lot of you are probably screaming at your computer right now, “STEVEN, YOU IDIOT, NOT EVERY DAY IN A RELATIONSHIP IS THIS PERFECT AMAZING LOVE, YOU CAN’T JUST DITCH AND RUN BECAUSE EVERY DAY ISN’T LIKE A FUCKING MOVIE!”

First of all, calm the fuck down. Step 1, release the caps lock button. Step 2, I know, I completely agree. Relationships are work, and effort, and compromise. Absolutely agree. AND ask anyone I’ve dated, I’m a preeeeetty good person to date, as far as communication and compromise. I’m just saying, most ex-girlfriends would probably talk nice about our relationship. Up until the point where I shat on their hearts and broke up a good relationship with the “You’re awesome, just not my awesome” speech. BUT everything before that point was pretty good. I’m just saying, ask them.

I know every day can’t be a romantic comedy-level type of love. But I’m optimistic most days will be.

Until then, I will keep watching shitty romantic comedies that I secretly love more than a grown man should, and will be optimistic I will one day find that level of rom-com love.

I’m just Jim, looking for his Pam.

Jim and Pam

Okay Steve, so I kinda wanna slap you right now but I won’t because I kinda secretly not so secretly feel the same way. See what these Hollywood assholes do? Set up crazily unrealistic expectations for relationships that no actual humans could ever possibly hope to live up to. It’s no wonder we’re all fucked. Nicholas Sparks can suck brontosaurus balls.

Do yourself a favor and check out Single Steve’s stuff here:

8 replies

  1. Women in their 20s often have a vastly overrated sense of their value and think that male 8’s are in their league when the women are only 6’s or 7’s.

    You also have more young men that do want to play the field for a while. Most don’t have much success and learn they need a relationship if they want to have sex with someone they find more attractive than the women 2 pts lower that they might be able to have casual with. Most men are failures at pick-up. One PUA coach said that only 1/10 guys succeed at really learning the stuff. Women tend to focus on the most successful guys and then think all guys are like them and thus think that men can totally get sex whenever they want–not the reality for most men.

    Here’s an article about high-achieving young women (admittedly most women aren’t so ambitious) putting of relationships because they value all of these other things more:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/14/fashion/sex-on-campus-she-can-play-that-game-too.html?hpw&_r=1&pagewanted=all&

    Men who date women for 5 years and don’t want to marry or cohabit for a long time basically don’t like/love the women they’re with enough. They’re just complacently settling for whom they can easily get for now. It really is the settle for the 5 now until I get a bit older and have gotten more career under my belt and more confident and then go out and find a 6 that he’d actually be happy to marry.

    All that the timing wasn’t right and so on is mostly BS. They just weren’t that into her.

    That’s the hardest lesson for women to learn, that they can get sex with men that don’t love them that much, that aren’t into them, that will even stick around for a steady supply of sex and companionship for a couple years, but these men don’t love them deeply and sure as hell never intend on marrying them (though complacently sliding into marriage or kids does often happen).

    Basically it’s quite hard to find a man who’s really into a woman and that the woman is really into. I think probably half of women are fairly hypergamous (meaning they only feel strong attraction and romantic love if they guy is of somewhat higher value or better) and these women are going to struggle because their minimum threshold is too high. The other half that aren’t hypergamous (or very much) can feel excited and deeply in love with an equal in some sense (or in rare cases a lesser man) and they are the ones that are more likely to find a really happy and loving marriage.

  2. Great piece, Steve! Giving U a spirited shout out – cheerleader style – Keep On Keeping On, Never Give Up! Romcoms pale against a true connection with someone who gets U, boo.

  3. Steve!!! As always I love your blogs. I wish I had your idealistic views. I have been an asshole must of my life so it’s refreshing to see a romantics point of view. Maybe I will strive for the happy medium. Be less of an ass/douche and want that idealistic love. But till that day comes I hope you keep writing.

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