Gentlemen, is the search for the perfect summer beachwear bringing you down? Having trouble finding just the right swimsuit to effectively accentuate your man goods? Look no further. Now that summer is in full swing, why not treat your schlong to a SLING?
Designed by the French (well, duh), nothing highlights your ween more than this three-inch strip of circular spandex, also known as the “C-string.”
Just check out English reality show stars Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge lettin’ it all hang out in Marbella, Spain. So much for British modesty.
While many citizens have expressed disgust and disdain at these new trunks for your – ahem – trunk, I for one believe they offer many advantages:
1. No more size secrets.
2. Goodbye, pale thighs.
Guys, do you ever strip off your board shorts only to have a woman scream in horror at your pasty white thighs? (Sorry, it wasn’t your huge penis.) This hot little number affords you an even tan all over… save for that one little frown across your left hip.
3. Good for the gander.
Women endure pain and discomfort in their pursuit of pulchritude on a daily basis. This is a wonderful chance for the men folk to experience what it’s like to walk around with a string up their butts… and to have their pubic hair ripped out by the root (see manscaping note below).
A Few Words of Warning
Now, my sausage-wielding compadres, before you run out and snatch one up in every color, take heed that there are a few potential hazards you should be aware of:
Potential hazard #1: Gravity.
I’m not entirely clear on how these things, you know, stay up, but I imagine you’d need some pretty powerful glute muscles to clench that puppy into staying in place.
Uh-oh. Looks like Bobby’s having some trouble here. Squeeze harder, Bobs!
Potential Hazard #2: Manscaping is a must.
Take this model here:
That is a big, fat DON’T. No one wants to see your man bush, fellas. Escort your bikini line to a good waxing joint, stat. If you need a referral, I’ll give you the number to the lady who does mine. I’m sure she’ll be gentle. Heh-heh.
Potential hazard #3: Beware the dick slip.
When it comes to these salami straps, I’m afraid they are more about form than function. I do not recommend beach volleyball or even heavy breathing while sporting one of these. One false move and BOIIIING! Say hello to my little friend.
Potential hazard #4: Keep yer bum clean.
It goes in your ass crack. ‘Nuff said.
What do you think of the new C-string man sling? Gotta have it or make it stop?