The New Mankini Leaves Absolutely Nothing to the Imagination

Gentlemen, is the search for the perfect summer beachwear bringing you down? Having trouble finding just the right swimsuit to effectively accentuate your man goods? Look no further. Now that summer is in full swing, why not treat your schlong to a SLING?

Designed by the French (well, duh), nothing highlights your ween more than this three-inch strip of circular spandex, also known as the “C-string.”

Just check out English reality show stars Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge lettin’ it all hang out in Marbella, Spain. So much for British modesty.

Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge in man thongs

Are these guys smuggling tennis balls?

While many citizens have expressed disgust and disdain at these new trunks for your  ahem – trunk, I for one believe they offer many advantages:

1. No more size secrets.

Ladies, no more waiting till coitus to find out what Mr. Man is packing. With the subtlety-free C-string, you know precisely whether you’re getting a python or a pinky.

2. Goodbye, pale thighs.

Guys, do you ever strip off your board shorts only to have a woman scream in horror at your pasty white thighs? (Sorry, it wasn’t your huge penis.) This hot little number affords you an even tan all over… save for that one little frown across your left hip.

3. Good for the gander.

Women endure pain and discomfort in their pursuit of pulchritude on a daily basis. This is a wonderful chance for the men folk to experience what it’s like to walk around with a string up their butts… and to have their pubic hair ripped out by the root (see manscaping note below).

A Few Words of Warning

Now, my sausage-wielding compadres, before you run out and snatch one up in every color, take heed that there are a few potential hazards you should be aware of:

Potential hazard #1: Gravity.

I’m not entirely clear on how these things, you know, stay up, but I imagine you’d need some pretty powerful glute muscles to clench that puppy into staying in place.

Uh-oh. Looks like Bobby’s having some trouble here. Squeeze harder, Bobs!

Bobby Norris man thong slipping

Potential Hazard #2: Manscaping is a must.

Take this model here:

asymmetrical man thong

That is a big, fat DON’T. No one wants to see your man bush, fellas. Escort your bikini line to a good waxing joint, stat. If you need a referral, I’ll give you the number to the lady who does mine. I’m sure she’ll be gentle. Heh-heh.

Potential hazard #3: Beware the dick slip.

When it comes to these salami straps, I’m afraid they are more about form than function. I do not recommend beach volleyball or even heavy breathing while sporting one of these. One false move and BOIIIING! Say hello to my little friend.

snake

Potential hazard #4: Keep yer bum clean.

It goes in your ass crack. ‘Nuff said.

That's poop

What do you think of the new C-string man sling? Gotta have it or make it stop?

43 replies

  1. This disturbs and tickles me on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin! Honestly, even the hottest man in Hollywood (muscle-bound or not) would look a little…”lacking” in this get up.

    The package is something most men are self-conscious about the size of anyway, so if they don’t have a lot, they’ll definitely not be able to hide it and if they are generously endowed, then most women will look a bit horrified as they past them, covering the eyes of small children along the way.

    I hope to never see one of these in person:)

  2. One of the strange and alarming signs of the apocalypse. I’d rather just go nude and not have to worry about it slipping off the front or flossing the rear. Unless it’s held on in front by tiny suction cups inside the material, a guy would have to have a certain minimum mass of genitalia just to keep it on.

    No, nude is definitely the way to go.

      • Offering this as one of those pinky guys, I’m certain it would take either some advanced-technology suction dots to keep that thing on the front, or a pact with the devil. Those never seem to turn out well, except for the devil.

        I’d probably find that once on, it’d never be able to be removed. Worse than the lifetime mullet haircut I got from my last poorly-crafted deal. Come to think of it, having a pinky down there may have been an unintended consequence of an earlier deal.

  3. Personally I would rather go nude than wear anything like that, this looks like a comedy outfit – something that Borat might wear!! The male body looks comedic in something like this – I must admit I do quite a lot of my own comedy routines in the nude, that’s it I’m out to buy one of these right now!! Here’s a sample of my work – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu5Qv3nA4RE

  4. Oh dear god I cannot help but love them. If someone had enough confidence, or enough ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude to wear one why not. But yeah definitely wipe your bum good and clean after a poo! No one wants to see that!

    • True… I do salute anyone with confidence. Sadly, many times the people who have the confidence to wear these types of things are not the people who should EVER wear these types of things.

  5. I saw these a while ago (not in real, thankfully), a friend shared a picture of them on facebook. I think they’re just awful, I really really don’t see what’s attractive about them, even on a really buff guy, they’re just naff aren’t they? Maybe they’ll become mainstream and we’ll get used to seeing them, but I really hope not. Shorts guys. Please. Always go for the shorts.

    • I am pretty much with you, but was thinking the other day… You know what’s funny? Only in ‘Merica do the mens never wear bikini-type bathing suits like Speedos or whatever. In Europe, that’s what they wear. And it kinda makes sense if you’re, you know, swimming. I imagine long knee shorts get uncomfortable when they’re soppy wet. And man legs actually can be attractive (well, not all of them… but hello World Cup players), so I wonder why at some point in the US we decided men need to cover it all up while the rest of the world is perfectly fine with the tighties? I mean, if we lived over there we probably wouldn’t think it was gross, right?

      But then again, maybe it has something to do with 33% of Americans being obese…

  6. Hilarious!

    It seems like some kind of gag gift, just a joke. Maybe something to make someone put on for the sake of a dare. Nobody would really wear this without irony. Would they? Would they?!?!?

  7. ha, ha, ha, ha…this is hilarious…ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…

    ha, ha, ha…i am sorry…but this has me laughing a lot…those photos!

    gosh…..no real comment cause i am laughing too much….

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