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6 Annoying Facebook Posts I Shall Never Make

April 10, 2014

Facebook some ecard

Hey guys! Guess what, I finally signed up for that super hot social media site that everyone is talking about! You know, the really popular one with all the pictures and feeds where you can connect with other people and update your things and stuff?

What’s that one called again?

Oh, yeah. FACEBOOK.


Okay, I realize I am late to the party on this one. Like, embarrassingly late. So late that the police have totally crashed the party and now everyone’s trickling out and heading downtown to some warehouse to listen to electronic music and do whip-its.

I mean, even my father joined Facebook three years ago. That’s right, my dad was on Facebook before my blog was. Pathetic, I know.

You see, I’ve always been a Twitter girl. I was on Twitter before I even started the blog.

But Facebook? I just didn’t think I had the time to handle two social media accounts, and I was fairly certain I’d screw shit up and mix up my blog account with my personal account and then a) I’d get fired from my conservative job, b) my exes would call and ask if that one guy I blogged about was them, and c) my 70-year-old aunt would have a heart attack reading a gratuitously graphic comment I’d made about dicks.

Yeah, my aunt’s on Facebook, too.

But everyone told me I had to be there and that I was really missing out on an opportunity and yakity yak, don’t talk back. And because at some point I always give into peer pressure, I finally set up the page.

And you know what?

It’s the goddamned Sahara desert, motherfuckers! Nobody likes me! Why aren’t all my fake Twitter friends flocking over there to like me? Assholes.

And so it’s come to this. Here I sit, writing this post, begging you to hop over on Facebook and give me a like. Oh, come on. You know you’re already logged in.

And what do you get in return, you ask? Well, rather than dwell on what you’ll get, I like to focus on the negative and tell you what you won’t get. We all know your Facebook “friends” post the most annoying shit that make you secretly wish they’d been a passenger on that Malaysia Airlines flight.

So, if you grant me the privilege of your like, I do solemnly swear not to commit these six cardinal sins that irritate the fuck out of everyone:

1. I shall not post photos of children or babies

Facebook baby

Isn’t this just the worst thing ever? I’m at a point in my life when most of my friends have squeezed out a couple already, and this means every other post in my news feed is a squishy pink (or sometimes yellow or brown) blob of flesh participating in some mundane activity, or sometimes just sitting on its ass looking wondrously at a spoon.

Listen, peeps, I know your child is the cleverest, cutest, most fascinating person in the world to you, as it should be. But here’s a truth bomb: your kid is not the slightest bit interesting to anyone other than yourself, and most certainly not to the point at which we need to know every time it craps a different color.

Other parents will like and comment and tolerate this nonsense simply because they do the exact same shit and they want you to return the favor.

But for us singletons? You are just making us hate your kid, and it’s not the kid’s fault. Please, for the love of God, just stop with the spawn photos and post a pic of your butt or something, if for no other reason than to assure us that you’re still the fun-loving, independent-thinking friend we used to know.

2. I shall not post pictures of my pet

Facebook cat

Okay, this one will be a tad more difficult for me because whereas I have not as of yet borne a child, I am the legal guardian of a 10-month-old kitten who is the most adorable thing in the world!

And let us just put out there what everyone already knows: kittens and puppies are one thousand times cuter than human babies. All that wispy fine fuzzy fur? And OMG those tiny paws? That is one big fat pile of D’AWWWWW!

However, I do respect and understand that — much like children and your own dreams — this falls under the category of Not Interesting To Anyone But Yourself.

And as such, I shall refrain from posting cat photos and videos.

Unless, of course, he does something so unbelievably astounding it will make me Internet rich. Then fuck you all.

3. I shall not post a selfie whenever the wind blows

pregnant selfie

Oh hell no.

We all have this friend. She posts more selfies than she eats calories in a day, and either way, it’s too damn many. I mean really, girl, there’s no need. I totally remember what you look like from two hours ago.

I understand we all have a narcissistic side and there is always that one time your hair actually does what it’s supposed to and a) you have to capture this moment in history otherwise no one will believe you, and b) like a total solar eclipse it will be another year and a half before it occurs again. You post a selfie every year and a half, we’ll let it slide.

There’s no magic number that shan’t be exceeded when it comes to digital self-portraits, but as a general rule: less is more. And if you’re posting them daily (or even weekly), it is clear you are shamelessly seeking social validation and need constant reminders about how hot you are. Come on, people, show some dignity. You should be ashamed of your selfie.

4. I shall not post political rantings…

Facebook political rant

Via College Humor

…and then ask anyone who disagrees with me to please just defriend me. Why do folks with a keyboard and a limited audience inexplicably turn into a horde of little muckraking Bill O’Reillys? It’s usually that quiet guy in finance who can’t make eye contact with you in the elevator but has no problem skewering your ass with a thousand-word diatribe if you oppose his stance on gerrymandering.

Do not get sucked into this virtual shit-slinging showdown because it inevitably will turn into a “who’s got the bigger dick” contest and you will be stuck in a never-ending feud with someone you really didn’t give a rat’s ass about in the first place.

5. I shall not post trite inspirational quotes

Paris Hilton quote

The first time I read one of these on Facebook I thought, oh, isn’t this lovely? Yes, yes, the healthiest response to life IS joy – thank you, thank you, Deepak Chopra!

But somewhere around the 127th time I saw that cursive font superimposed against a raindrop-on-fir-leaf backdrop, I began to develop immunity to them. Before long they became as hackneyed as the baby pics and the selfies. And by the way, did you ever notice it is always the same people posting these? I am acquainted with a couple people who bombard my news feed daily with this twaddle, and I happen to know firsthand that their lives are fucked.

I mean, listen, Stuart Smalley. If these little maxims help erase the memory of your alcoholic father taking a piss on home plate at your little league game, then good for you. But you aren’t fooling anyone with your fake enlightenment crap, so please just post it on the ceiling above your bed rather than on my wall.

6. I shall not post the results of every BuzzFeed quiz I take

Buzzfeed poop quiz results

I’m not going to lie, BuzzFeed quizzes are fun. We all need to be more self-aware, and how else would I know that I am an “extremely” awkward Mulan (or Breakfast Club, or pizza) who would be best off pursuing a career as an astronaut and should actually be living in Portland with a hamster?

But here’s the thing. We all know you’ve posted your results only after you’ve taken the damn quiz 13 times in order to get the outcome you wanted. I mean, obviously everyone wants to be Beyoncé.

I took the “Which Seinfeld Character Are You?” quiz, and do you know who I got the first time? Newman. Newman! THIS NEWMAN.

Buzzfeed Seinfeld quiz results

The second time I took it I got Uncle Leo. Whatever.

Anyway, the jig is up, guys. So just save yourself the trouble of announcing to the world that Jennifer Lawrence should play you in the movie version of your life. Because we know you got Kristen Stewart the first time.

So now that you have my word I will not be an insufferable asshole on Facebook, couldja give me a like? Because it’s not like we’re dating or anything.

Facebook Like Button

Click me! Thanks. :)

What do you find to be the most annoying posts on Facebook? Are you guilty of any of these? Fess up.

51 Things You’re Thinking On Your Morning Commute

April 9, 2014
Featured Image -- 5340


Hey! Please check out my new post over on Long Awkward Pause:

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

morning commute thoughts

Universal Thoughts

1. UGGGGHHH I’m so tired. Why did I have to stay up so late watching Conan/taking BuzzFeed quizzes/jerking off to porn?

2. Seriously, I’m like the walking dead. Except less attractive. And more dead.

3. What would happen if I called in sick?

4. Would everyone know I’m faking it?

5. I’ll have to feign a cough when I go in tomorrow.

6. Who am I kidding? My acting skills are worse than Ashton Kutcher’s.

7. Fine, let’s do this.

8. Caroline better have ordered the Dark Roast Keurig cups.

9. If any morning people try to get chatty with me before 11 a.m., they lose an eye.

10. Yikes, I’m late. I hope my boss doesn’t walk by my desk.

11. Wait, did I have an 8 a.m. meeting?

12. Do I have time to stop at Starbucks?

13. Will it look bad if I walk in…

View original 402 more words

I Got Hose in Different Area Codes

April 7, 2014

Friends, I am currently obsessed with this new video – I can’t stop singing or watching it so I knew I had to post it. Anna Kendrick and the hilarious ladies of Saturday Night Live (Aidy Bryant, Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong, and Sasheer Zamata) harmonize about a very important subject: “Dongs All Over the World.”

These gals are literally taking the world by the balls and I am right there with them. In fact, my gay bf and I are taking an exotic trip abroad next month and this sounds like a must for the agenda.

Mark my words, this is the new “Dick in a Box.” Be warned: you will not be able to get this out of your head. Enjoy!

Why Jason Bateman Is the Most Perfect Man Alive

April 3, 2014

Jason Bateman

It is no secret — I am head over heels, entirely and gaga-rifically insane for Jason Bateman. I have professed my love and lust for him many times — on Twitter, in this post, and most recently in my interview with The Hook.

Now, Jason is generally not regarded as your typical hunk of sexpot man meat. This category is usually reserved for the likes of George Clooney, Zac Efron or Ryan Reynolds.

But in my opinion, Jason puts all of these mimbos to shame. He possesses the four primary qualities I am looking for in a man: handsome, intelligent, funny and kind. At least I’m pretty sure he’s kind. You can just tell.

Also, he’s clearly very good looking, but not so Tyson Beckford sex-dripping modelesque that you’d be looking over your shoulder every minute wondering if some greedy bitch is jockin’ your man.

Oh! And also, my friend honest-to-goodness MET HIM once (fucking bitch!) at this party and she said he was really super nice and down to earth. Seriously. This really happened.

And he is just so damn smart and funny. I mean, his dry sense of humor is such a major thong-dropper and is so my thing.

In essence, Jason Bateman is the most perfect man alive. For me.

In fact, it is highly possible that the reason I am still single is because I simply haven’t met anyone who’s Jason Bateman.

So like any crazy obsessive fanatical fangirl would, I’ve written this post over on BuzzFeed as my tribute to his perfection:

33 Reasons Jason Bateman Is the Unsung Hottie You Should Be Drooling Over

Jason Bateman gif

Yes, Jason, yes! It includes lots of beautiful, droolworthy pics and gifs of JASON, along with some terse, witty commentary. There’s even this one gif of him with these ducklings and you will absolutely DIE when you see it. I did.

So if you want to see all the reasons I love Jason Bateman, please go check it out. I totally could’ve thought of more than 33 but I figured I should stop before I looked like a complete psycho.

Or is it too late?


Who is your celebrity crush? Why? Please won’t you play and geek out with me??

5×5 With The Hook: Single Girlie.

March 28, 2014


My friend The Hook asked me some weird questions about sex and magic and pickles and I answered them. Read ‘em here…

Originally posted on You've Been Hooked!:

Her name is a good start but she’s much more that a pretty gravatar and a clever monicker. Yes, it's me

Hercyber-pad is:

  • Smart. (There are millions of blogs out there that focus on the sex lives of their authors, but only a rare few are written by individuals who are truly intelligent enough to recognize the absurdity of the chase itself.)
  • Sexy. (She really is the gal every guy wants to date and every girl wants to be. Period.)
  • Sophisticated. (Single Girlie knows the ins and outs of blogging as well as she knows the ins and outs – and her work reflects that. This isn’t your neighbor’s dating blog, kids.)

Still not convinced she’ll rock your world from cyberspace? Click on the link below and you’ll be an instant convert.

Why I Slept With a Douchebag

The title alone is worth the price of admission, no? But enough of the…

View original 550 more words

6 Reasons Why Having a Boy Toy Rocks My World

March 12, 2014

I realize it has been some time since I wrote anything about my life. I mean, sure, I’ve shared my opinion on a few matters, gave away some condoms and engaged in general bitching, but I haven’t said much about my dating or sex life in a spell. Today, that changes.

I have an important announcement to make. I have recently joined the ranks of superdivas Cher, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey — and I’m not even an über fierce, over-the-top gay icon. But I might be now. Because I, my friends, have a boy toy. A hot one.


Sorry, J. Lo, mine’s hotter.

Mind you, by no means did I go out prowling the local Dave & Buster’s all couged out and draping my leg over the Full Throttle Zombie Mania 4D machine. The boy came to me — on OkCupid of all places.

You’re very beautiful. Maybe we should make some margaritas together,” his message said.

Now, normally when I receive a message from a 23-year-old twink I just ignore it. I’m looking for someone I might actually have a future with, plus I really don’t know much about Snapchat or filling out grad school applications or Maria Menounos’s boobs.

But this guy was a FOX, y’all, and I mean for real. After reading his message online I actually looked over my shoulder to make sure he wasn’t talking to someone behind me.

He said he is attracted to older women because he finds them more confident, experienced and well-dressed, plus some women just look better with age. Like I was going to argue?

At first, I felt a bit awkward about the whole thing. I mean, 23? This kid was still shitting green. I wasn’t terribly familiar with the rules of being a cougar, but I did know I didn’t have the funds to have my butt fat injected into my lips or buy a whole new leopard print wardrobe.

I shared Boy Toy’s photo with my gay bf and asked for his take on the matter:

“Well, sometimes the Universe works in mysterious ways,” was his reply.

“What the hell does that mean?” I said.

“It means send a boob pic and ask what time!” he said.

I swear to Mariah, he is like a modern day Confucius.

So now Boy Toy and I have been a thing for a few months now, we never leave the house, and frankly, it’s the most satisfying relationship I’ve had in a long time.

In fact, there are so many upsides to having a boy toy I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. I’ll give you six reasons why mine rocks:

1. He aims to please, and does

The first time I got supine with his behind, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “I just want to please you.” Um, is further commentary even necessary? And let me tell you, I don’t know or care who he perfected his craft with, but even at the tender age of way-too-young-for-me, sonny boy knows exactly what to do to make my neighbors bang on the wall and tell me to shut the fuck up.


2. He’s got the stamina of Lance Armstrong on ‘roids

Of course, the sexual satisfaction doesn’t stop at his skill set. Long gone are the days of three pumps and a Kleenex grab — this tyke’s got all-natural Cialis running through his veins. Truth be told, it was a little much at first. I was like, hey, granny needs to get some shut-eye so can we please wrap it up, junior? But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? So now I just say fuck it, enjoy the ride, and go to work the next day looking tore up like Kesha after a weekend bender.


3. He helped me set up my new smart TV

As if the good looks and sexual prowess weren’t enough, the whiz kid got my fancy new TV up and running, and you are darn tootin’ that shit got me damp. I don’t know what kind of technological sorcery these tots are privy to, but he secured all the wires and plugs and doodads in their rightful homes and we were watching Orange is the New Black within 10 minutes. He even showed me how to use the clicker and programmed the remote on my iPad. Believe you me, without his aid I would still be sitting on the couch staring quizzically at a 50-inch screen filled with this:


4. He makes math and science interesting

Boy Toy is somewhat of a math and science nerd. I, for one, know as much about math and science as I do about what Dick Cheney had for breakfast today. (Although my guess would be flame-broiled baby seals?) However, he has piqued my interest and we have meaningful conversations about drones and sub-atomic particles and wormholes, and I now know that these have nothing to do with bugs.

In essence, I actually learn cool stuff from this barely legal buck. And learning is phat. Okay, maybe I need to brush up on my young people vernacular.


5. He hung out with me on Valentine’s Day and didn’t make it weird

Being with a new-ish guy around this time of year can be as awkward as a wet queef. He’s certainly not my boyfriend, but he’s a bit more than a fuck buddy. I actually enjoy spending time with him – even when my legs aren’t behind my ears.

So on February 13, just as I was pondering how to say “I’d like to hang out with you on Valentine’s Day but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship or anything,” he beat me to it and suggested take out and a House of Cards binge-a-thon with nary a mention of the dreadful holiday. Best Valentine’s ever.


6. He likes to do it to cool music

Have you ever heard of Tame Impala, Purity Ring or Phantogram? I hadn’t either until boy toy pulled them up on Spotify. These are some super sexy beats to get busy to, and now I’ve got a bunch of new songs added to my “Doin’ It” playlist.


Now, I am fully aware that this is going nowhere and honestly, I don’t expect it to. In fact, I think the reason this relationship is so successful is because of the complete lack of expectations. We hang out when we feel like it, text each other now and then, and it’s extremely comfortable.

He’s moving away in the fall and I’m still dating, searching for the ever-elusive “one.” But until then, I am having the fucking time of my life, superdiva-style. In fact, I’ll leave you with a quote from my all-time favorite superdiva, the incomparable Queen Cher:

“A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.”
You got that shit right, sister.
Have you ever had a boy toy? Have you ever been a boy toy? How’d that work out for you?

Ellen DeGeneres Dishes It Out on Oscars Fashion and More

March 4, 2014
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Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

The 86 th annual Academy Awards was Sunday, and funny lady Ellen DeGeneres fulfilled her hosting duties with her usual wit and aplomb. Ellen is well-known for being a “nice” comedian. She rarely throws jabs or takes potshots at another’s expense, and generally keeps her act pretty clean. But we know that deep inside, there’s a bona fide mean girl just dying to escape. Because no one is that nice all the time. At least not sober.

We bring you what was really going through Ellen’s head regarding fashion and other oddities at this year’s Oscars:

Anna KendrickAnna Kendrick Oscars 2014

That Anna Kendrick, what a trooper. Poor girl was shot in the stomach 15 times and still managed to walk the red carpet.

Bill Murray

Bill Murray

Before the ceremony, an E! reporter asked if I had any pre-show rituals. I told her I like to take a shower and comb my hair. Which…

View original 492 more words


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