Hey! Please check out my new post over on Long Awkward Pause:
Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:
1. UGGGGHHH I’m so tired. Why did I have to stay up so late watching Conan/taking BuzzFeed quizzes/jerking off to porn?
2. Seriously, I’m like the walking dead. Except less attractive. And more dead.
3. What would happen if I called in sick?
4. Would everyone know I’m faking it?
5. I’ll have to feign a cough when I go in tomorrow.
6. Who am I kidding? My acting skills are worse than Ashton Kutcher’s.
7. Fine, let’s do this.
8. Caroline better have ordered the Dark Roast Keurig cups.
9. If any morning people try to get chatty with me before 11 a.m., they lose an eye.
10. Yikes, I’m late. I hope my boss doesn’t walk by my desk.
11. Wait, did I have an 8 a.m. meeting?
12. Do I have time to stop at Starbucks?
13. Will it look bad if I walk in…
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Friends, I am currently obsessed with this new video – I can’t stop singing or watching it so I knew I had to post it. Anna Kendrick and the hilarious ladies of Saturday Night Live (Aidy Bryant, Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong, and Sasheer Zamata) harmonize about a very important subject: “Dongs All Over the World.”
These gals are literally taking the world by the balls and I am right there with them. In fact, my gay bf and I are taking an exotic trip abroad next month and this sounds like a must for the agenda.
Mark my words, this is the new “Dick in a Box.” Be warned: you will not be able to get this out of your head. Enjoy!
It is no secret — I am head over heels, entirely and gaga-rifically insane for Jason Bateman. I have professed my love and lust for him many times — on Twitter, in this post, and most recently in my interview with The Hook.
Now, Jason is generally not regarded as your typical hunk of sexpot man meat. This category is usually reserved for the likes of George Clooney, Zac Efron or Ryan Reynolds.
But in my opinion, Jason puts all of these mimbos to shame. He possesses the four primary qualities I am looking for in a man: handsome, intelligent, funny and kind. At least I’m pretty sure he’s kind. You can just tell.
Also, he’s clearly very good looking, but not so Tyson Beckford sex-dripping modelesque that you’d be looking over your shoulder every minute wondering if some greedy bitch is jockin’ your man.
Oh! And also, my friend honest-to-goodness MET HIM once (fucking bitch!) at this party and she said he was really super nice and down to earth. Seriously. This really happened.
And he is just so damn smart and funny. I mean, his dry sense of humor is such a major thong-dropper and is so my thing.
In essence, Jason Bateman is the most perfect man alive. For me.
In fact, it is highly possible that the reason I am still single is because I simply haven’t met anyone who’s Jason Bateman.
So like any crazy obsessive fanatical fangirl would, I’ve written this post over on BuzzFeed as my tribute to his perfection:
Yes, Jason, yes! It includes lots of beautiful, droolworthy pics and gifs of JASON, along with some terse, witty commentary. There’s even this one gif of him with these ducklings and you will absolutely DIE when you see it. I did.
So if you want to see all the reasons I love Jason Bateman, please go check it out. I totally could’ve thought of more than 33 but I figured I should stop before I looked like a complete psycho.
Or is it too late?
Who is your celebrity crush? Why? Please won’t you play and geek out with me??
My friend The Hook asked me some weird questions about sex and magic and pickles and I answered them. Read ‘em here…
Originally posted on You've Been Hooked!:
- Smart. (There are millions of blogs out there that focus on the sex lives of their authors, but only a rare few are written by individuals who are truly intelligent enough to recognize the absurdity of the chase itself.)
- Sexy. (She really is the gal every guy wants to date and every girl wants to be. Period.)
- Sophisticated. (Single Girlie knows the ins and outs of blogging as well as she knows the ins and outs – and her work reflects that. This isn’t your neighbor’s dating blog, kids.)
Still not convinced she’ll rock your world from cyberspace? Click on the link below and you’ll be an instant convert.
The title alone is worth the price of admission, no? But enough of the…
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I realize it has been some time since I wrote anything about my life. I mean, sure, I’ve shared my opinion on a few matters, gave away some condoms and engaged in general bitching, but I haven’t said much about my dating or sex life in a spell. Today, that changes.
I have an important announcement to make. I have recently joined the ranks of superdivas Cher, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey — and I’m not even an über fierce, over-the-top gay icon. But I might be now. Because I, my friends, have a boy toy. A hot one.
Mind you, by no means did I go out prowling the local Dave & Buster’s all couged out and draping my leg over the Full Throttle Zombie Mania 4D machine. The boy came to me — on OkCupid of all places.
“You’re very beautiful. Maybe we should make some margaritas together,” his message said.
Now, normally when I receive a message from a 23-year-old twink I just ignore it. I’m looking for someone I might actually have a future with, plus I really don’t know much about Snapchat or filling out grad school applications or Maria Menounos’s boobs.
But this guy was a FOX, y’all, and I mean for real. After reading his message online I actually looked over my shoulder to make sure he wasn’t talking to someone behind me.
He said he is attracted to older women because he finds them more confident, experienced and well-dressed, plus some women just look better with age. Like I was going to argue?
At first, I felt a bit awkward about the whole thing. I mean, 23? This kid was still shitting green. I wasn’t terribly familiar with the rules of being a cougar, but I did know I didn’t have the funds to have my butt fat injected into my lips or buy a whole new leopard print wardrobe.
I shared Boy Toy’s photo with my gay bf and asked for his take on the matter:
“Well, sometimes the Universe works in mysterious ways,” was his reply.
“What the hell does that mean?” I said.
“It means send a boob pic and ask what time!” he said.
I swear to Mariah, he is like a modern day Confucius.
So now Boy Toy and I have been a thing for a few months now, we never leave the house, and frankly, it’s the most satisfying relationship I’ve had in a long time.
In fact, there are so many upsides to having a boy toy I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. I’ll give you six reasons why mine rocks:
1. He aims to please, and does
The first time I got supine with his behind, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “I just want to please you.” Um, is further commentary even necessary? And let me tell you, I don’t know or care who he perfected his craft with, but even at the tender age of way-too-young-for-me, sonny boy knows exactly what to do to make my neighbors bang on the wall and tell me to shut the fuck up.
2. He’s got the stamina of Lance Armstrong on ‘roids
Of course, the sexual satisfaction doesn’t stop at his skill set. Long gone are the days of three pumps and a Kleenex grab — this tyke’s got all-natural Cialis running through his veins. Truth be told, it was a little much at first. I was like, hey, granny needs to get some shut-eye so can we please wrap it up, junior? But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? So now I just say fuck it, enjoy the ride, and go to work the next day looking tore up like Kesha after a weekend bender.
3. He helped me set up my new smart TV
As if the good looks and sexual prowess weren’t enough, the whiz kid got my fancy new TV up and running, and you are darn tootin’ that shit got me damp. I don’t know what kind of technological sorcery these tots are privy to, but he secured all the wires and plugs and doodads in their rightful homes and we were watching Orange is the New Black within 10 minutes. He even showed me how to use the clicker and programmed the remote on my iPad. Believe you me, without his aid I would still be sitting on the couch staring quizzically at a 50-inch screen filled with this:
4. He makes math and science interesting
Boy Toy is somewhat of a math and science nerd. I, for one, know as much about math and science as I do about what Dick Cheney had for breakfast today. (Although my guess would be flame-broiled baby seals?) However, he has piqued my interest and we have meaningful conversations about drones and sub-atomic particles and wormholes, and I now know that these have nothing to do with bugs.
In essence, I actually learn cool stuff from this barely legal buck. And learning is phat. Okay, maybe I need to brush up on my young people vernacular.
5. He hung out with me on Valentine’s Day and didn’t make it weird
Being with a new-ish guy around this time of year can be as awkward as a wet queef. He’s certainly not my boyfriend, but he’s a bit more than a fuck buddy. I actually enjoy spending time with him – even when my legs aren’t behind my ears.
So on February 13, just as I was pondering how to say “I’d like to hang out with you on Valentine’s Day but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship or anything,” he beat me to it and suggested take out and a House of Cards binge-a-thon with nary a mention of the dreadful holiday. Best Valentine’s ever.
6. He likes to do it to cool music
Have you ever heard of Tame Impala, Purity Ring or Phantogram? I hadn’t either until boy toy pulled them up on Spotify. These are some super sexy beats to get busy to, and now I’ve got a bunch of new songs added to my “Doin’ It” playlist.
Now, I am fully aware that this is going nowhere and honestly, I don’t expect it to. In fact, I think the reason this relationship is so successful is because of the complete lack of expectations. We hang out when we feel like it, text each other now and then, and it’s extremely comfortable.
He’s moving away in the fall and I’m still dating, searching for the ever-elusive “one.” But until then, I am having the fucking time of my life, superdiva-style. In fact, I’ll leave you with a quote from my all-time favorite superdiva, the incomparable Queen Cher:
“A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.”
Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:
We bring you what was really going through Ellen’s head regarding fashion and other oddities at this year’s Oscars:
That Anna Kendrick, what a trooper. Poor girl was shot in the stomach 15 times and still managed to walk the red carpet.
Before the ceremony, an E! reporter asked if I had any pre-show rituals. I told her I like to take a shower and comb my hair. Which…
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